


Survival Mode

by midnightskydan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (NO major character death), Abusive Relationships, Action & Romance, Age Regression/De-Aging, Alcohol, BAMF Dan Howell, Blackmail, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Crimes & Criminals, Dan Howell Is Not A YouTuber, Derealization, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Gang Violence, Gangs, Guns, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt Phil Lester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Marijuana, Non-Sexual Age Play, Organized Crime, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Drug Use, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Punk Dan Howell, Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, Sad Phil Lester, Sex Work, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Weapons, YouTuber Phil Lester, character is outed as gay, mentions of death & grieving
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:06:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26472340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightskydan/pseuds/midnightskydan
Summary: After losing a promising new job at the BBC, Phil’s life seems to be falling apart around him. Moving in with a friend back in Manchester, he’s unsure what’s next for him. His days are plagued by anxiety, and once again he falls prey to the same ghosts from his past that stole his youth. Half the time he feels like a lost, scared, little kid. The other half, he’s scraping by in survival mode.After a while of successfully lying low in his makeshift home for underprivileged young adults, the resurgence of a violent presence from Dan’s past destroys any semblance of peace he might have found. He’s forced to take on a leadership role, to confront his identity, and to go to any lengths to support and protect those close to him.On the run from his ghost, Dan finds Phil battling his own, and he can’t help but offer a hand.~•~•~Uhhh a weird, mildly introspective, fic about trauma, society, hurt/comfort, the inner child, and gay romance.While I’d (modestly) say that topics are covered with taste, please check the tags before reading.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 21
Kudos: 26





	1. Taking Shelter

**Author's Note:**

> tbh this started as a prompt fill in 2017 and then i started using the concept to write myself comfort fic and then i decided i wanted to polish up the prompt fill in like 2019 and i realized i could combine a few of my lil hurt/comfort drabbles with bits of that unfinished fic and then i started writing this chaptered monstrosity. i’m aware the concept is incredibly niche lmao but i figured it might find an audience who knows.
> 
> if you do find yourself interested pls leave kudos and/or comment!! idk if anyone but me will like this lmao so this is me testing the waters before i commit to finishing the whole thing.
> 
> also disclaimer obviously, all the events and characters in this are fictional, and i don't own dnp nor is this an actual accurate representation of them irl.
> 
> also please read the tags before reading, as this covers some heavy stuff. i’ve tried to cover the more sensitive matters tastefully, and i’ll be putting CWs as well as optional emotional spoilers (doesthedogdie.com style) for each individual chapter as well. stay safe my guys.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil meet when Dan seeks refuge in his home, hiding from his newly freed abuser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for this chapter (see endnotes for more): mentions of an abusive relationship, mention of homophobia, h*mo as a slur, mentions of prison, descriptions of anxiety and panic, descriptions of derealization/unrealism and dissociation, stalking

_ We were right. He’s out. -E.G. _

The text appeared on Dan’s phone screen, and the world was suddenly spinning around him. His breath caught in his throat. He stared at the two words on his phone screen, mouth going dry. Nausea built up in his stomach. Memories and images flashed through his head. He looked around himself, his phone vibrating with more messages that further explained. Dan didn’t want to read them, even if he could see through the tears gathering in his eyes.

Dan stood, stumbling into the bathroom of the sketchy club, before completely breaking down. He fell forward against the counter, letting out a sudden sob. His entire body shook, tears streamed down his cheeks, his breaths kept getting shorter and shorter, and he couldn’t see anything except  _ his _ fucking face. The face he’d been trying to forget for years.

And the man who owned that face was out. He was free. Free to find Dan again.

If he was free, then Dan was trapped once again.

He thought he had more time. His sentence wasn't supposed to be over yet. “Good behavior,” his ass. There was nothing good about him.

Dan looked into his own eyes in the mirror. Every time he managed to breathe correctly and blink away tears, the fact that right outside was a world in which the man who had destroyed Dan was now free to roam would hit him again and set him back a few paces. It had been almost three years, but Dan wasn’t ready to face that world yet. He didn’t even know how to deal with the thought of that world. He swallowed, forcing himself to take deep breaths.

If only his father could see him now. Crying and a little drunk in a public bathroom over a boy who he hadn’t seen in years. Weak  _ and _ a homo. He’s sure that his dad would argue that he chose this path for himself. God, he had enough problems without his dad’s words from even longer ago getting into his head and convincing him that he somehow deserved the hurt he experienced. More tears slipped down his cheeks.

When he managed to read the rest of the texts, his panic only doubled. Not only was Jake out of prison and looking for Dan, but he already knew where to start. Dan’s eyes widened as he read the last text.

_ Tell me you’re not at the club. -E.G. _

That was exactly where Dan fucking was. He was supposed to be watching out for some of the strippers’ ‘regulars.’ Sometimes a repeated client got too comfortable with the girls, and at some point, they recruited Dan to intimidate incels.

_ i am -D.H. _

_ wtf do i do -D.H. _

Dan’s hands shook as he typed out the messages.

_ is there somewhere near there you can hideout _ ?  _ -E.G _ .

Dan pulled in a breath, quickly looking up a few addresses on his phone. The third one he tried, belonging to a Maelynn Walker, was just down the street. Dan almost sobbed in relief.

_ yeah. -D.H. _

~•~•~

Phil had been staring at the screen for quite a while, but his mind wasn’t inside his head. He was far off as he absently scrolled down the page, not understanding a word he was reading. He felt as if he was distanced from his own body and trapped inside of it at the same time. 

Who was he? 

He slowly moved his hand and reached to touch his other hand, possibly to scratch at it, to see if he was real. His fingers touched his other hand, and he paused, squeezing his eyes closed. 

Wait. What was Phil...what had he been about to do? Why had he reached over? Shit. He shut his eyes tighter. His head hurt, but not in a strictly physical sense. 

There was a sudden pounding noise, and Phil clenched his jaw, hand clenching into a fist on the desk.  _ Stop that noise, stop, stop _ . He brought his hands up to cover his face, and the pounding continued. 

“Mae? Mae!” Someone called, voice muffled through the door. “It’s Dan! Open up!” 

Phil slowly sunk back into his bones as he processed that the pounding was at his door. 

Dan? Who was Dan? 

He dragged himself up from the desk chair and over to the door, not giving a thought to his appearance. His hair was comparable to a bird’s nest, and he wore cactus-patterned pajama pants and an oversized white t-shirt that had a mustard stain near the bottom. He opened the door. 

Before he could process anything at all, the man at the door was shoving into the apartment. “Mae?” he called, looking around. He looked at Phil. “Is Mae here?” he asked. 

Phil rubbed his eyes. The man was moving and talking far too fast for Phil’s tired mind to keep up. “No,” he managed. “She’s been out all day,” he said. 

“Fuck,” the man— _ Dan, had he said? Sure. _ —Dan said, making no move to step back outside. “Fuck!” he called again, kicking at the doorframe. 

Phil jolted at the noise of it. “God,” he breathed, coming out of his haze a bit at this. 

This ‘Dan’ was tall, about the same height as Phil, and a bit more fit, though not overly so. He wore a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off that Phil recognized as Muse merchandise. Tattoos in black and red inks covered his arms. He wore skinny jeans that had ripped at the knees. On his feet were a pair of old, worn, black boots. 

He was also gorgeous. Phil couldn’t help but notice this, even in his hazy mindset. His brown hair was straight and parted to the left so that it laid flat over his forehead. It looked like it would be soft to the touch. His features were mainly gentle, but he maintained an intimidating aura, nonetheless. He had snakebite studs in his bottom lip, small gauges in his ears, and brown eyes that looked quite dark in the indoor lighting. Based on appearances alone, he looked like a man who would beat up someone for looking at him the wrong way.

Suddenly, Phil was able to feel again. What he felt was anxious and uneasy. 

Phil backed away a little. If Phil had a bit more presence of mind, he might have panicked. Any close interaction with a strange man could sometimes be enough to set Phil off, even without the yelling, frantic demeanor, and chance that he could become violent. 

“What do you need with Mae?” he asked, voice barely there. 

Mae Walker was Phil’s roommate and a good friend. He’d been crashing with her back here in Manchester since his life had begun to unravel.

“I just—fuck. I need her. Do you know where she is? She isn’t answering her goddamn phone,” Dan sputtered.

Phil realized that this man was in a panic himself. He was unable to keep still, pacing quickly back and forth and messing with his hair. He wasn’t trying to scare Phil. He probably wasn’t giving Phil any thought at all. 

“I don’t know,” Phil admitted. “You could try ringing her off mine?” he offered, voice soft and mumbled. 

“Please,” Dan answered. 

Phil closed the door, walking into his flat and grabbing his phone off the desk. He dismissed the dozens of unread notifications, pulled up Mae’s number, and handed the phone over. She hadn’t responded to his texts earlier, but she always answered Phil’s calls. He handed Dan his phone and Dan made the call, holding it to his ear. 

Dan anxiously paced as it rang, walking over to the window. He looked through the blinds, pinching them open. His eyes flicked over the streets below, dimly lit by street lights on this overcast evening.

Dan’s eyes caught on something, and Phil could see the jolt of panic that went through him. His eyes widened, he tensed, and the phone dropped from his hand. The call went unanswered. 

“Fuck,” he said, swiftly closing the blinds and the drapes. “Fuck, where are the lights? You have to turn out the lights,” he said, rushing to look for the switches to the lights in the small flat. 

“What? What’s going on?” Phil asked. “How do you know Mae?” 

“The lights,” Dan insisted. 

“Over by the door, here,” Phil said, flipping the switches off and casting them into darkness. 

“I don’t, really. I mean, we work together,” Dan said, speaking rather quickly. “She’s been helping me out with some stuff. She said I could find her anytime if I needed help, but apparently, anytime isn’t now.” He locked Phil’s door, bolting the deadlock and even hooking up the chain. “There’s a bloke who followed me here, and he’s dangerous.” 

“Do you need to call the police?” Phil asked, anxiety spiking as he began to process the situation entirely. 

“No,” Dan said. “It’s—it’s more complicated than that. I— _ fuck _ . I can’t believe he fucking found me so fucking easy,  _ Christ _ !” the man exclaimed, kicking the wall again. 

Phil winced again. “Well, I mean if he’s stalking you,” Phil said. “I don’t mind calling, let me see my phone—” 

“No!” Dan said quickly. “You can’t.” 

“Okay. Okay!” Phil said, backing up. Anxiety built up in his stomach and chest. “Why not?” 

“I don’t want them involved,” Dan explained. “It’s a long story. Do you have a panic room?” he asked. 

“What?” Phil asked. “Why the hell would I have a panic room?” 

“Alright, whatever, just stay out of view of the windows,” Dan said quickly, dropping to the ground and leaning back against the wall. 

Phil lowered himself to the floor as well. He swallowed, eyes trained on Dan. “What’s going on?” he asked, exasperated and a second away from panic. His voice was shaky as he spoke. “Is there an ax murderer outside ready to kill me, or are the police outside and you’re the ax murderer about to kill me?” he asked. 

Dan sighed shakily, covering his face with his hands. “God, I was hoping Mae would be here. Okay, um—” He shook his head and laughed with no humor. “My—my—an old friend of mine just got released from prison,” he said, stuttering a bit before recovering. “From what I remember, h-his favorite pastimes included beating the shit out of me, smoking meth, and basically stalking me wherever I go,” he said. 

“Oh,” Phil murmured. 

“Fuck. Why didn’t she pick up?” he asked, leaning his head back. 

Phil swallowed, definitely not needing worries about Mae to mingle with the anxiety he already had. A stranger, being pursued by what sounded to be an abuser of some sort, had decided to take refuge in his home. Phil was already anxious because of the stupid way his mind chose to cope with stress. He stared at the wall in the dark, brain floating outside of himself for a moment. 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” Dan breathed again, pushing his hair back. 

Phil looked over. Right. This was real. Or it was meant to be. “Well. You can stay here until he leaves,” Phil decided, voice small and quiet. 

“Thank you.” 

Phil crawled over toward his room, leaning against his bed and taking in a few deep breaths. He didn’t know if this was something that should be freaking him out less or freaking him out more. All he knew was that his mind was fuzzy, his stomach was in knots, and he was one lapse in self-control away from slipping into the mindset that he sort-of loathed and definitely craved. A lapse in self-control felt likely today.

Phil found himself also annoyed that Mae was missing in action. She usually told him when she wouldn’t be able to answer her phone. Mae was his best friend. She was the only one besides his family and old therapist who knew just how Phil’s mind worked. She would know what to do right now. Why hadn’t she told Phil about this friend of hers? One that was apparently not a friend of the police and being pursued by an ex-criminal? 

Phil’s head hurt. 

“Hey,” a voice murmured, and Phil could tell he was trying to speak softly, though it came out a bit awkward and shaky. Dan slowly crawled into the room. “I’m sorry for just, fuckin’, barging in and shit. I swear I’m not a murderer or anything like that,” he reassured.

There was no real reason for him to be speaking so quietly. Either he was anxious about somehow being overheard by a man three floors below them, or Phil looked like a deer in headlights that would startle at any loud noise. It was probably a bit of both, honestly. Phil sort of felt like a deer in the headlights.

Phil sighed, reaching up to push his hair back. He took a deep breath in, hoping it wasn’t apparent that he was freaking out. This Dan guy was probably just a poor sod trying to navigate the fallout of his trauma. He wouldn’t hurt Phil.

Phil offered a small smile, hoping it didn’t come across as a sort of wince instead. 

Dan could have stayed out in the other room. Phil thought maybe he was afraid to be alone.

“I’m Dan,” Dan said, sitting beside Phil. 

He knew Dan’s name from the loud shouting and pounding at the door, but he nodded anyway. “Phil,” he replied quietly. 

They sat beside each other against the wall, Phil looking at his hands and trying his best to remain calm. 

“I’m not like an armed robber or murderer,” Dan assured, “It’s just...explaining my...everything about why he’s...it’s just complicated. I can’t...” 

“Yeah,” Phil said softly. He knew firsthand why that would be difficult. He wasn’t going to ask any more questions. 

“God, I must be freaking you out a lot. Aren’t I? I’m sorry. I didn’t know Mae had a roommate,” he mentioned. 

“No, you—” Phil paused. “Well, yeah, you are,” he admitted. “But, if Mae trusts you, then so do I,” he added. “Though it might have been nice if she mentioned someone could come around running from an ex-convict.” 

Dan took in a sharp breath, and Phil felt bad mentioning the man so casually. 

“Sorry,” Phil murmured.

“It’s okay,” Dan murmured. “I just—Fuck. I should’ve been more ready for this, but…some part of me kept saying he wouldn’t care about me anymore when he got out.” Dan looked down at his hands. 

Phil didn’t know how to reply to Dan’s words, so he didn’t. He was trying to fight off the urge to regress into a small mindset. The urge kept growing despite the knowledge that he’d just get more scared once he was regressed. 

A man was here, tall and strange and intimidating, Mae was gone, and Phil had already spent most of his day in a dissociative haze. It would be weird if Phil  _ did _ manage to hold off his regression. 

Phil looked Dan over again, his eyes adjusting to the dim light. Tattoos covered his arms. Some designs were faded and blurry, in need of some touching up. Others were sharper. There was the shadow figure of a bear. There was what looked like a chemical compound. There was a skull with a rose growing from its eye-socket adorned with a crown of vines and flowers. There were even one or two nerdy designs, like what Phil thought might be a Rubix cube, a Pac-man ghost, and a line of three pixelated hearts to mimic a life bar on a video game. Phil wanted to reach and touch them or trace them with his fingers before remembering just how intimidating the man was. 

_ Scary _ . 

Phil’s attempt to distract himself by looking over the tattoos didn’t work as he ran out of tattoos to take in, and anxiety again took over. Phil bit his lip as he realized he didn’t know how long the two of them had to stay like this, when Mae would be home, if the person following Dan would manage to find them, or if the person following Dan also knew Mae and could follow her when she eventually came home. 

_ Scary _ . 

Phil had never thought he was claustrophobic, but it suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on them in the darkness. He was so tired. He wanted Mae to be here. He didn’t like being around this man he didn’t know, especially not when Phil wasn’t feeling well. 

He bit his lip, feeling his mind begin to give in. God, why couldn’t he stop it? He had thought he was doing better. He’d been able to hold it off all week since Mae hadn’t been around much. He just felt overwhelmed with the need now. 

“Dan?” Phil spoke quietly, fear in his voice. If he was going to regress, it wasn’t fair for him to do so without warning. It would make it harder for them both. 

Dan glanced over at Phil, frowning. Phil was gripping his knees hard, and his eyes were wide. “Shit, um, are you alright?” he asked. 

Phil bit his lip and shrugged. “I... I’m, like, anxious and—and when I’m anxious, there’s this thing… I can’t....” he tried to form the words to explain his problem without sounding entirely mad. 

It was seemingly too late, as his mind was only getting less coherent until, finally, he felt undeniably small. He hugged his knees to his chest. He didn’t have Mae here. He didn’t have anyone here but this scary man with dark clothes and tattoos. Phil glanced over at Dan and felt tears well up in his eyes. He was so scared. And there was another man outside who probably wanted to hurt them. 

Dan realized that Phil was getting upset. “Shit. Um, hey, it’s okay,” he said in an attempt at comfort. “I get the whole anxiety thing. Believe me. Uh, just, can we get your mind off it?” Dan suggested, unsure. 

Phil pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, sucking on it as he tried to sort out his mind. He sniffled. “I dunno,” he murmured, tears beginning to slip down his cheeks. “I’m scared,” he spoke softly. “I wan’ Mae,” he cried, barely audible, as if Dan could just bring her to him. 

“Mae?” Dan asked, knowing he had to calm down the guy, lest he stay stuck with another hysterical man (in addition to himself) for the next who-knows-how-long. 

Phil nodded, looking down. 

“Shit, I left your phone in the lounge. Do you want to use my phone to try and call her again?” he asked, pulling out his phone. 

Phil sniffled, feeling a little better at the idea. He smiled a little and agreed. Dan pulled up her number as Phil looked at him with wide, expectant eyes. He hit call and handed it to Phil. 

“ _ Hey _ ,” Mae answered, surprisingly. “ _ I’m sorry dude, I’ve been _ —” 

Phil sniffled. “Mae?” he cut off. “S’Phil,” he murmured. 

“ _ Phil? What are you doing with—where are you _ ?” she asked quickly, sounding worried. 

“‘M’at home,” Phil replied, hoping Mae could tell he sounded off. 

“ _ Dan is there with you _ ?” Mae asked. 

“Mhm, says he’s a friend of yours f-from work or something…” Phil said, sniffling. 

“ _ Is he...he’s being nice to you, right _ ?” Mae asked.

“Yeah, he lemme call you, an’ he, um, says he’s not a murderer, so that’s good,” Phil replied. “I’m scared, Mae,” he whispered, moving away from Dan so he wouldn’t overhear. “He says he’s gotta hide here from someone. He looks all scary…” 

“ _ Oh, uh, it’s okay, Phil. It’s okay. He is my friend. Listen, can I talk to Dan _ ?” she asked. 

Phil chewed on the tip of his nail. “Bout what?” he asked. 

“ _ Just to see what’s going on _ ,” Mae replied.

“Okay,” Phil said.

“ _ Thank you _ ,” Mae replied, “ _ Can you hand me to Dan now _ ?” 

“Mkay,” Phil said, and handed the phone to Dan. “She wants ta talk to you.” 

Dan took the phone. “Oh, uh, okay.” He crawled into the next room. 

“Hey,” Dan said. 

“ _ What’s going on, mate _ ?” 

“Uh. So, basically, there’s this guy, and he—fuck.” Dan took in a breath. “This old friend of mine just got released from prison, and he’s looking for me. He—he’s dangerous, and he used to, like, get high on meth and beat the crap out of me...” He didn’t explain the real context of their relationship, but every word he said made it feel as though he was outing himself. Somehow that was making him more anxious than his abusive ex-boyfriend’s stalking. 

“ _ Oh _ .” 

“He followed me over here. He—he’s trying to get to me again. I thought you’d be home,” Dan said. 

“ _ It’s alright. Shit, I’m sorry. I’m with Amber, but I can get home. He followed you to my place _ ?” 

“Yeah. Don’t come alone. I think he’s…” Dan stood, peeking through the blinds. A surge of anxiety went through him. He was there. God, he was standing right there, a few floors down, in front of the building. He looked almost the same as he had the last time Dan saw him. Jake’s eyes flickered up, and Dan gasped, despite knowing he probably had no idea where Dan was. He was waiting Dan out. “Fuck, he’s still out there,” Dan said. “Don’t come back. I—I don’t trust him. He’s, like, actually dangerous. He could have a gunman out there for all fuckin’ I know. I… If he’s even seen you with me then…”

“ _ Alright. Alright. I’ll talk to Evan. We’ll figure something out, just stay put _ .” Mae said.

Dan slowly took in a breath through his nose. “Okay.” 

_ “As for Phil,”  _ Mae started. She sighed _. “Um, look _ ... _ there’s this thing, _ ” she continued. “ _ Phil has C-PTSD. And he can’t deal with anxiety amazingly. He does this thing where he… Well, he gets younger. He starts to feel and act as if he was a child, _ ” Mae explained.

“Oh,” Dan said. “Um, okay? And he might do that?”

“ _ I think he already has,”  _ Mae said. 

“Oh. Shit. Okay. What do I do?” Dan asked. 

“ _ Just make him feel safe, okay? And, I don’t know, treat him like a kid, if you can. He won’t be, like, weird or anything. He just gets freaked out _ ,” Mae said. 

“Okay…”

“ _ I’ll try and be back as soon as I can. Please just look out for him for me until then.” _

“I will,” he said. “Seriously, I get it. I’m not a jerk,” Dan said. He paused. “Just don’t, um. We don’t need to tell the others about any of this.”

_ “Yeah. Yeah, I won’t _ .  _ Thanks _ ,” Mae replied, sounding genuine. “ _ If you need me, call me _ .” 

“Alright,” Dan replied. 

“ _ Can I say bye to Phil _ ?” 

“Yeah, right, sure.” 

Dan walked back out and handed the phone to Phil. “Mae?” Phil asked softly. 

“ _ Hey, Dan’s gonna hang out with you for a bit, okay? He’ll be nice, swear. I’m gonna figure out how to get home as fast as I can. It shouldn’t be too hard. If you need to call me, you can, okay _ ?”

“O-kay,” Phil replied. “Thanks, Mae,” he murmured. 

“ _ Of course, Phil. Are you going to be okay _ ?” Mae asked. 

“I-I think so,” Phil answered. 

“ _ Alright then, I’m going to leave you with Dan. Call me right back if you need to.” _

“Okay,” Phil replied. “Bye-bye,” he murmured. 

“ _ Bye-bye, love _ .” 

Phil hung up and handed the phone to Dan, who had moved to sit beside Phil again. Phil looked up at him with wide eyes. 

There was no use in beating around the bush, Dan thought. “So,” he said, “Mae said you can be, like, small sometimes.” 

Phil looked down, blushing a little in embarrassment, but he nodded. 

“Don’t worry. I—I’m not really sure what that means, exactly, but I’ll be nice. We’ll make this little sleepover fun, yeah?” Dan asked. He wasn’t sure how deeply he wanted to think about this, but he needed the distraction. Focusing on Phil would at least let him keep his focus off of his own fears. 

Phil nodded again, glancing at the floor and sucking at the tip of his thumb. 

“Are you feeling small right now?” Dan asked, sounding a bit awkward with his words and looking a bit uncomfortable with his posture, unsure if he should give Phil a bit of space or turn to him to show he was there. 

“M’huh,” Phil murmured, confirming. 

“Alright. So, uh,” Dan said, “What’s your favorite color?” A stupid question, he thought. 

Phil smiled a little anyways. “Blue,” he said decisively. 

Dan hummed. “Blue’s good,” he agreed. He flexed his arm and pointed to a line art tattoo filled in with a watercolor-style coloring. A forget-me-not flower with blue petals. “Just like a forget-me-not.” 

Phil’s eyes lit up a little, and he poked the tattoo. “Pretty!” 

Dan chuckled, leaning back. “Okay, how about...” He thought for a moment. “Favorite...animal?” Dan asked. 

Phil giggled and gestured for Dan to come closer as if anyone could possibly overhear them. Dan did so despite the silliness, and Phil whispered. “I like lions.” 

Dan giggled. “That’s a good one,” he mentioned. 

Phil giggled too and nodded. “I also like red pandas. And dogs. And foxes,” he admitted. “I like all the animals,” he decided. “What do you like?” 

“Hmm…I like bears,” Dan answered. 

“Like teddy bears!” 

“No,” Dan argued, voice going up in pitch, “Like big dangerous predator bears!” 

Phil giggled loudly at him. “But that sounds scary!” he said. 

“I’m scary,” Dan argued. 

Phil giggled, shaking his head. “Nuh-uh!” 

Dan gasped. “Yes, I am!” 

Phil giggled and shook his head again. “No! You’re nice!” Phil smiled brightly, shyness seeming to have melted away. “You’re def-in-ite-ly more like a teddy bear,” Phil said, careful with his pronunciation. 

Dan smiled. “Hey, you can’t go telling people that. I’m supposed to be scary. I officially take offense.” 

Phil smiled. “Well, it’ll be our secret.” 

“Good,” Dan said with a smile. 

They continued to talk about favorites, Dan talking about his favorite bands and movies (much of the same that Phil enjoyed). Dan also indulged Phil in his smallness, asking him about what games he liked to play and his favorite Disney movies. 

Dan ended up telling Phil some stories from his childhood, about his escape artist of a hamster and internet hobbies. 

It was remarkably easy to get along with Phil, even in his seemingly altered mindset. He was funny and cute, and he had good taste. He giggled at Dan’s stories, and as the hours passed, they moved closer to each other until Phil was dozing off on Dan’s shoulder. 

“M’sleepy,” Phil murmured yawning, eyes closed as he leaned into Dan. 

“You can move to the bed,” Dan said. “I won’t be going anywhere for a while.”

“What if someone scary comes?” Phil asked, voice quivering slightly.

Dan gave a small smile. “I’ll protect you,” he said, puffing out his chest and patting it. 

Phil giggled. “Promise?”

“Course,” Dan answered. He was exhausted--emotionally and physically--but he was somehow having a calm time providing security for this scared stranger. It wasn’t the weirdest thing he’d done for someone, but it did feel weirdly comfortable. He supposed this task was much less of a hassle than all of the problems Dan had to face when he left this flat. Anyway, Phil was endearing in his oddness.

So, Phil smiled, climbing onto the bed. Dan sat on the floor beside the bed, and Phil let himself drift off to sleep.

Dan was able to sleep restlessly for a few hours here and there, leaning against the bed in an uncomfortable sitting position. He woke up to his phone, vibrating in his pocket. He yawned, pulling his phone out. 

“Evan?” he asked, answering the phone. 

“Hey, we’re coming to get you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Notes (Emotional Spoilers)
> 
> \- In the opening scene, Dan learns of his abuser’s release from prison. He panics in a cub bathroom and briefly ponders his father’s homophobia and his abuser’s abuse. Nothing graphic is described. Dan calls himself a “h*mo,” referencing his father’s opinion of his sexuality. He finds out that his abuser is stalking him.
> 
> \- When we first jump to Phil’s pov, he is experiencing dissociation and derealization.  
> Phil experiences anxiety over having Dan, a stranger, hiding out in his home. Dan experiences anxiety over his abuser’s stalking.
> 
> \- Dan’s ex-boyfriend stalks Dan, following him to Phil’s place and attempting to wait him out.


	2. No Rest For the Wicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil finds himself wanting Dan’s company when regressed and insists upon accompanying Mae back to the gang’s “HQ” of sorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for chapter (see endnotes for more): paranoia, flashbacks, mentions of childhood sexual abuse (csa), guns, threats, mentions of stalking, mentions of sex work

Phil blinked his eyes open, whimpering softly at the idea of consciousness. Falling asleep while regressed often made waking up feel rather unsettling. He closed his eyes again, burying his face in his pillow. He couldn’t remember how long he’d been asleep. It felt like he could have slept anywhere between a few minutes and a few hours. 

“Dan?” he asked the room quietly. 

No response. Phil listened carefully for snores, thinking Dan had fallen asleep. He couldn’t hear anything. 

“Dan?” he asked again, voice still soft and a little slurred. He sat up, rubbing at his eyes before opening them. 

It was still dark outside. The lights were off inside. Dan was nowhere to be seen. Phil swallowed, tugging his blanket around himself as the fear sank into his bones. He was alone. It wasn’t morning yet. Dan was gone. 

Phil wanted to look around the flat, see if Dan was in a different room, but he was afraid to let his feet touch the floor in the dark. Monsters. Bad guys. Anything could be out there in the dark. The man who followed Dan here.

Phil’s eyes caught on something in the corner. It was vaguely human-shaped, and Phil’s imagination made it into a man. A man watching him. Shoulders hunched and arms crossed. A man that wanted to hurt Phil. 

Phil closed his eyes and the unwelcome memory of a man’s hand on his thigh flashed through his mind. He gasped, opening his eyes. He pulled the blanket around himself. 

He wanted to go find someone, anyone, but he was afraid to put his feet on the ground. Everywhere he looked, his imagination turned something that was probably ordinary into something terrifying. But, whenever he closed his eyes, images of a man touching him, hurting him, came to the front of his mind. 

Phil whimpered pitifully. “Dan?” he called. His voice was shaky. He didn’t like falling asleep and things changing. He didn’t like missing things. What if Dan got hurt while Phil was asleep? What if Phil was all alone now? What if there was a man out in the darkness, waiting to get Phil? To touch him? To hurt him?

Spirals and spirals of worst-case scenarios began to fill Phil’s head. He moved to sit on his knees on the bed, tears gathering in his eyes. “Dan?” he called a bit louder. 

The door to his room opened, and Phil flinched in fear before he realized it was Mae in the doorway. Rather than turn the light on, she lit up the torch on her phone. She shined the light at the ground and walked into the room. She looked sleepy. Phil didn’t know what time it was. How long had he been asleep? Did he wake Mae up? How long had she been home? 

“Hey, Phil,” Mae said quietly, voice deeper with sleep and grogginess. “Dan made it back home safe. He’s figured it all out. You were asleep when I got home. I didn’t want to wake you up.” 

“He went home?” Phil asked quietly, still shaky. He squeezed his eyes shut and swore he could _hear_ the vivid memory of a man chuckling and pinning Phil down. _No, no, no. Stop thinking about it, stop remembering it. Stop_ . _Stop._ He shook his head, forcing his eyes open again. Dan. He was thinking about Dan. “But I—I went to sleep, and he was here,” Phil said, whimpering. It felt like mere moments ago that he sat beside Dan, and his brain was reluctant to catch up to the present.

Mae walked into the room and sat on the side of Phil’s bed. “Yeah, he was here. He went home while you were sleeping.” 

Phil whimpered, looking down. “I don’t like that,” he said, trying to express his discomfort. “He was here and now he’s gone.” 

“Yeah,” Mae said, sounding tired. 

“I…” Phil shook his head, pulling the blanket around himself. “I want him to be here again.” He hadn’t even been able to say goodbye. The lack of closure was eating at him for some reason.

Mae sighed. “I’m sorry, Phil. He had to go back to his place.” 

Phil whimpered, some part of him feeling silly. Then another flash of a man’s hungry eyes and his clothes being peeled away sent him further into the smallness. He closed his eyes, unable to get away from the memories, and held his knees to his chest, the blanket falling off his back. 

“I-I—” Tears had begun to leak from his eyes. “I—” 

“Phil,” Mae started softly. “Are you starting to have flashbacks?” 

Phil just whimpered and nodded, holding his knees closer.

“Oh, love,” Mae breathed, sitting beside Phil. “What can I do for you?”

“Want Dan,” Phil said quietly. 

Mae frowned. “Why?” she asked.

Phil supposed it must seem odd that he would want Dan, a large and intimidating man, around while he was having flashbacks. Especially since Mae knew that Phil's traumatic flashbacks largely revolved around a large intimidating man. But Dan had been strong, and he had said he could protect Phil from the bad guys. He had been soft-spoken and gentle. He'd distracted Phil from the bad stuff. 

“Please,” he whined in reply. "Please, please."

“Okay, okay,” Mae murmured. “Okay. Dan’s at his flat right now, but…I could try to ring him if you want.” 

Phil nodded, reaching to wipe his eyes. 

“Yeah? You’d like to try that?” 

“Mhm,” Phil hummed, nodding again. 

“Alright,” Mae said, picking her phone up off the bed. She left the torch on as she pulled up Dan’s contact, calling him. Phil watched hopefully as she waited for an answer.

The phone rang a few times before Dan picked up, voice groggy. “ _Mae? What’s up?_ ” he sounded worried, and Mae felt bad. 

“Nothing, nothing. Sorry, I bet you were sleeping. Um. Phil wanted to talk to you. Make sure you got home safe and stuff,” she said. 

“ _Phil_?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah, my roommate that you met earlier.” 

“ _No, no, I know. I just…”_ He trailed off. _“Alright_.” 

“So, should I put him on?” Mae asked, unsure. She kind of wanted to let Dan know what was going on in more detail, but Phil was sitting beside her, listening intently. 

“ _Uh, yeah, sure_ ,” Dan said. 

Mae handed Phil the phone with a soft smile. 

“Dan?” Phil asked softly. 

“ _Hello_ ,” Dan replied. “ _What’s up, Phil_?” 

“I should be sleeping,” Phil murmured. 

Dan gave a quiet chuckle. “ _Yeah? Me too. Why are you awake, then?_ ” 

Phil looked down at his feet, now sitting criss-cross on the bed. “Scared,” he murmured. “I keep remembering bad things.” 

“ _Oh_ ,” Dan said quietly. “ _That’s not fun_.” 

“Mm-mm,” Phil agreed, shaking his head. Before Dan could say anything else, Phil spoke again. “You didn’t say goodbye when you left,” he said. 

“ _I’m sorry_ ,” Dan said. “ _I didn’t want to wake you up_.” 

“Mm,” Phil hummed. 

“ _You’re afraid to go to sleep_?” Dan asked. 

“Yeah,” Phil said. 

Dan was quiet for a moment. 

“ _Do you want to hear another story_?” he asked. 

“Yes please,” Phil murmured. 

Dan paused for a moment, presumably to think. “ _Alright. So, I used to work at this department store, right_?” Dan started, and Phil put the phone on speaker, laying down in bed to listen. 

Mae smiled, leaving him with her phone, and bidding him a quiet goodnight. 

~•~•~ 

When Dan woke up, his phone was at 8% and open to a call. He was still on the phone with Phil, the numbers on the screen citing 3 hours, 46 minutes, and counting. He lifted the phone to his ear, listening. He didn’t hear much of anything, so he assumed he could hang up. 

“Goodnight, Phil,” he croaked, ending the call. 

Rather, it was morning. Dan’s phone read 7:32am. His windowless room was still bathed in darkness, so he could pretend it was still night. Dan had gotten home around 2:30am, and only been able to actually sleep much later. He’d spoken to Evan, and he’d had a colleague give Jake a fake tip toward where Dan could be. As far as they could tell, Jake took the bait and headed down to London to look for Dan. At least that bought Dan some time.

It seemed he had ended up falling asleep on the phone with Phil. He was thoroughly exhausted, sinking back into the bed. He grappled in darkness for his power cord, plugging his phone in. He locked it and sighed, ignoring the notifications on his lock screen.

His bones felt heavy in his bed, and a migraine was creeping up from the back of his skull. If he could only just sleep a bit longer… He closed his eyes, yawning. He rolled onto his side, slowly drifting off. 

His sleep was shattered again when his phone began ringing. He’d learned to keep his ringer on in case of emergency, and it was second nature by now to push past the annoyance and exhaustion to reach for his phone. 

He read the contact name and slid his thumb across the screen to answer the call. “Amber?” he asked, voice groggy. 

“ _Hey mate, sorry to call so early. I know you had a rough night_.” 

“Yeah, no, it’s fine. What’s up?” Dan asked, reaching to turn on the lamp. Sleep was a lost cause. 

“ _It’s that freak that won’t leave Mandy alone. He’s got her address now.”_

“God, alright,” Dan said, sitting up. “How the hell did he get her address?” 

“ _I dunno, stalker shit? She thinks he got into some mail. Anyways Mandy’s scared to go home. I thought you might know better than me how to deal with this._ ” 

Dan sighed. “How dangerous do you think he is?” 

“ _Um, I think he’s more incel off the deep end than a proper gangbanger, if that helps_.” 

“Okay, doesn’t necessarily console me.” 

“ _Yeah, watch your back, go armed,_ ” she said with a casualness that Dan had yet to reach himself. Though if people like this guy kept popping up than maybe Dan would become numb to the means deemed neceassary to protect himself and his friends soon enough.

He swallowed. "Alright,” Dan said, reaching into his bedside drawer. “Where can I find the prick?” 

~•~•~

“No!” 

“ _Phil_ ,” Mae said, exasperation clear in her voice. “You need to calm down.” 

Phil whimpered, sat on the couch, and he wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “No,” he said again, kicking at the couch cusions.

Mae sighed, grabbing her keys. “I really have to go, Phil. What do you need before I leave?” 

“Dan,” Phil mumbled, cheeks burning with embarrassment. 

“What’s that?” Mae asked quietly. 

Phil sniffled. “Dan,” he repeated a bit clearer, looking away.

Mae was quiet for a moment, and Phil swallowed.

“Bud, Dan’s busy right now,” she said, clearly making an effort to speak sweetly. 

Phil knewhe was being difficult, but he didn't know what else to do. He looked down and kicked a cushion off of the couch. “But I _want_ him,” he cried. He didn’t get like this often. His regression was usually quiet and any anxiety that occasionally came with it was manageable. He didn’t entirely understand what had changed, just that now he felt vulnerable and afraid in a way that he hadn't when Dan was around.

“Phil, I don’t know what to do here,” Mae said, sighing. “I have to go, and Dan’s busy.” 

Phil’s lip quivered and he looked down. “Please don’t leave me alone,” he said quietly. 

Mae sighed. Phil usually came out of regression after only a few hours of indulgence, but he’d been this way all night and all morning. It was obvious that he was upset, and he knew he was putting Mae in an unfair position. He was just shaken up, he'd had a rough go of it the past few months, and he didn’t know if he could take being alone. He really didn’t want to be left alone.

“I…you could come with me?” 

Phil perked up, looking up at Mae. 

“Yeah? Sound okay?” she asked, clearly apprehensive at her own idea.

Still, Phil nodded quickly. 

“Okay," she sighed. "Let’s go.” 

~•~•~ 

Mae bit her lip, holding Phil’s hand. She took one more assessment of her surroundings before leading Phil up the path to the front door of the old house. Phil shuffled beside her, whimpering a little. He didn’t like being out when he was little. He wanted to see Dan. He needed to see Dan. Mae was bringing him to Dan, right? 

“Shh,” Mae hushed gently. “We’re here, Phil. I need you to be extra quiet when we go in, okay? I’ll talk to everyone and we can see if Dan can see you, alright?” 

Phil nodded, still looking down. He was gonna see Dan now. 

It was chaos as soon as Mae opened the unlocked door. The general state of disorder, as well as the lack of security, led Mae to believe that Dan was not here. He was the only one ever able to get control of anything around here. 

Phil hid behind Mae as they walked in, which probably would have been a somewhat amusing sight. Phil, a six-foot-something man attempting to hide behind a thin woman that was about 5’7”. Still, Mae squeezed Phil’s hand, leading him through the entryway. 

Two men stood in the hallway, the stench of cigarette smoke wafting off of them as they bickered among each other. Something about someone’s drugs and someone’s money. It didn’t seem like it was about to get genuinely heated, but Mae steered Phil away from them anyways. In the lounge, Amber sat beside Mandy on the couch. Mandy buried her face in her hands, and Amber sat awkwardly beside her, seeming at a loss. 

In the adjacent room, the other girls shouted at one and other for not noticing the man follow Mandy to her home, for fucking with their clients after the job was done, etc., etc. Some choice words were being thrown about, all of which were sexual and degrading in nature. 

Mae knew that this was where she was meant to help, but she needed to get Phil away from these girls as well. Especially if they were going to be talking about sex and creepy men and sexual assault. 

Mae hurried past the room and to the end of the hall, passing just a few others on their way. A few men sat together and talking quietly looked them both over skeptically. Phil squirmed under their gazes. 

Mae was quick to open the door at the end of the hallway and began to lead Phil down the stairs. 

“Oi,” a voice called, and Phil flinched. 

Mae squeezed Phil’s hand, turning toward the voice. The man who had spoken was Evan, someone Mae had become slightly acquainted with while working with Dan. He was basically Dan’s right-hand-man. 

“What’re you doing?” 

Mae stood a bit straighter. “Walking?” she answered. 

Evan frowned. “Directly to the boss’s room?” He looked Phil over, skeptical. Phil was dressed in a Gengar t-shirt and black skinny jeans. He averted his eyes, still holding Mae’s hand. 

“To Dan’s room, yes,” Mae said. 

“Who’s this?” Evan asked. 

“None of your business,” Mae replied quickly, continuing down the stairs. 

“You can’t go in Dan’s room, you know,” Evan said. “I’m not about to give his prostitution consultant and some random friend of hers a key to the boss’s room.” 

“I’m not a ‘prostitution consultant,’” Mae said. “Look, my friend’s not feeling good—” 

Phil looked down. He resented being spoken about as if he wasn’t standing right there, but he knew that he wasn’t in the proper headspace to explain himself.

“—and I would like somewhere he can stay away from all the chaos, alright? You don’t have to try this hard, dude. If Dan hasn’t let you suck his dick by now, I don’t think he’s planning on it.” Mae shut her mouth quickly, having blurted out the last bit in an irritated ramble.

Evan frowned. “You don’t know what you’re—” He shook his head a sighed. “Fine. Whatever.” He fished a key out of his jeans. “But I’m staying here to make sure you don’t mess any shit up.” 

Mae sighed. “God, don’t you have anything better to do?” she asked. 

“Those are definitely the words of someone with innocent intentions.” 

Phil shuffled uncomfortably on his feet. Where was Dan?

While Evan and Mae bickered, Phil heard some commotion from upstairs. He recognized the voice that spoke, saying something about ‘keeping an eye out’ and “if you see him again, just tell me and I’ll make sure he gets it through his bloody head this time.” 

Phil didn’t think. He didn't do much of that when he was regressed. He jogged up the stairs again and down the hall. He found Dan in the lounge, a bunch of women and a few men surrounding him. When Phil walked in, they all looked at him. Phil froze. 

“Phil?” Dan asked, confused. 

Phil looked to Dan and then barreled directly to him. He moved behind Dan, actually able to hide somewhat behind the tall man. He grabbed fistfuls of the fabric of Dan’s jacket and clung on, afraid of all the eyes on him. 

Dan tried to look back at Phil, whose face was now buried in Dan’s back as he hid from the room. Dan reached an uncertain arm back to touch Phil’s. “Phil?”

Phil just whimpered softly, and Dan looked up again, noting all of the eyes on them. Mae stood in the doorway, appearing apologetic. The others seemed both confused and amused. 

“Alright,” Dan said, keeping a hand on Phil’s arm. “Get back to your own shit, everyone,” he said, voice sharp enough to make everyone look away and continue about their business. Dan frowned, turning around to face Phil. 

“Come on,” he murmured quietly, pulling out of Phil’s arms. 

Phil grabbed Dan’s wrist as he pulled away, looking up and meeting his eyes. 

“Alright, alright,” Dan said quietly, taking Phil’s hand. Arguing wouldn’t help anyway. He led Phil back down the hallway, sending glares to anyone who dared to glance too long at Dan’s hand holding onto Phil’s. 

Dan opened the door to his room, letting Phil in. Phil dropped Dan’s hand, taking a moment to look around the room. It wasn’t all that interesting. A king-size bed with a black frame and grey sheets. A large, black, desk against the adjacent wall. A mirror stylized to look like a full moon. An amber lamp on the bedside. A few shelves filled with movies and video games. A flat-screen mounted on the wall across from the bed.

Phil let go of Dan’s hand, looking around as they entered the room. Dan turned to Mae, who had followed them down. He sent her a questioning look, nodding toward Phil, who was inspecting his DVD collection.

“He wanted to see you,” Mae whispered. 

Dan frowned. “Why?” 

Why the hell would Phil want to see Dan? 

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Mae replied in a murmur. “He wouldn’t calm down until you got here.” 

“Dan?” Phil asked quietly, seeming finished with looking around the room. “Will you tell me more about the silly things you did at your old job, please?” he requested, climbing onto Dan’s bed and sitting criss-cross like he belonged there.

Dan smiled a little. He was amused more than anything by the near-stranger requesting his company. He couldn’t be annoyed when Phil asked in such a soft and childlike way. He sat down beside Phil.

“Uh, alright, mate.” He stretched out across the mattress, groaning. “But, I’m tired as f—as heck, so I might fall asleep in the middle of the climax.”

“That’s okay,” Phil said. 

Dan chuckled. “Thank you.” 

Dan began a somewhat humorous and somewhat mortifying story about attempting to have a secret nap while at one of his teenage jobs. As Phil became entranced in the story, Mae managed to sneak away. Dan assumed she was off to find Amber and Mandy and to help clean up what was left of the morning’s mess. 

Dan was grateful for the sort-of break. He did wish he could be alone for a moment, and maybe take a long nap (wishful thinking). Still, the company of the quiet and sweet Phil was quite an attractive alternative to anything he could feasibly be doing otherwise. He leaned back against the headboard, focusing on keeping his eyes open as he recounted his workplace horror stories. 

Phil giggled at the funny parts. He provided sympathy at the parts that were too embarrassing to merely laugh at. He was soft-spoken and surprisingly welcome as company. There were only a select few people that Dan could be one hundred percent comfortable around. Phil was certainly still a stranger, but Dan could only be so uncomfortable with him. They’d seen each other break down last night. That was an effective icebreaker, he supposed.

Dan was used to this. To strange things, like a man who regressed into the mind of a child following a traumatic experience, being set in front of him. If anything, Dan was more comfortable around the people that he knew didn’t fit neatly into any of society’s various boxes. This Phil guy probably wasn’t about to judge Dan too harshly considering his own situation. So, Dan was already about 60% comfortable with Phil.

And, Phil seemed comfortable with Dan. For whatever strange reason. He was witty, asking questions and heckling him good-naturedly. It was fairly obvious that he wasn’t in a normal, adult, mindset, but it was anything but bothersome.

Dan was beginning to fear that he wouldn’t be able to complete his story before giving in and closing his eyes when he noticed that Phil had been quiet for a while. He looked over at the man, finding that Phil had let his eyes drift closed, and had begun to ever-so-lightly snore. He laid curled up on his side, a pillow beneath his head.

Dan sighed, leaning back against his head-frame again. God. Dan felt like he hadn’t properly slept in a few years. No rest for the wicked, he supposed. Between the ladies of the Manchester streets that Dan had foolishly agreed to protect, the kids that were always coming to Dan caught up in messy situations, the need to dodge the various dangerous enemies that he had made, and Jake is a free man again, Dan wasn’t sure he’d be able to find a moment of peace for the rest of his life. 

Maybe he could have just one more hour of sleep. Hell, he’d take 30 minutes. Dan quietly stood, locking the door to his room. He pulled off his jeans and tugged on a pair of sweatpants before carefully untucking the covers to lie down in bed. Phil seemed sound asleep, so Dan let his eyes drift closed, sleep overtaking him in a matter of seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Notes (Emotional Spoilers)
> 
> \- Phil wakes up unsettled and begins to experience vague flashbacks to his trauma, described as a man touching him. He also fears that something or someone is in the dark waiting to harm him.
> 
> \- A girl that works as a stripper is stalked and harassed “off-screen” and Dan is recruited to intimidate him. Mae recommends he take a gun, its implied that he intimidated/threatened the stalker.


	3. A Call Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a gesture to solidify a possible new friendship with Phil, Dan gives him his personal number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for this chapter (more in end notes): abuse mentions, gaslighting/manipulation, internalized homophobia, panic attack

Dan woke up naturally, not to a phone ringing nor a pounding at the door. It was almost suspicious, so he jolted up, unsure how long he had been asleep. He reached for his phone, unable to find it. He pulled up the sheets looking for it, and then he paused. He heard the sound of flushing. Someone was in the bathroom adjacent to his bedroom. 

His immediate response was defensive, and he tensed before remembering who was probably using his bathroom. Still, he reached for the drawer where he knew a handgun was hidden.

“Phil?” he called, grabbing the drawer handle. 

“Yes?” Phil called back, stepping out of the bathroom, still drying his hands on a towel. 

Dan retracted his arm, relieved. He sat up again, looking at Phil, who seemed different somehow in the way he held himself. He still seemed a bit sheepish and uncertain, but not nearly as much as he had earlier. 

“Have you seen my phone?” Dan asked, stretching his arms out and hearing his shoulders crack

“Oh! Yeah, sorry, I set it over there for you.” He gestured to the desk. 

Dan stood to grab it, opening it to a dozen unread notifications. It was one in the afternoon, so he’d slept for almost four hours. He sighed and locked the phone without looking at one of the texts. If it was an emergency, then… Well, fuck, if it was an emergency then that person was on their own. He turned back to Phil. 

“So, uh, you okay then?” Dan asked, rolling his neck. 

“Yeah, no, I’m fine. Thank you for, um, letting me hang around and...stuff,” Phil answered. He looked down at the ground, 

“Yeah, no worries,” Dan said. “Don’t be embarrassed or anything. It doesn't even make it to the top twenty weirdest things I’ve dealt with around here,” he said, smiling. 

Phil nodded, unsure. He looked at Dan like he wanted to talk more, then to the door. He looked back at Dan. “So, you, like, run this place? Or whatever?”

Dan shrugged. “I fucking guess,” he said with a chuckle. “I mean someone’s gotta keep all the wankers around here in check.” 

Phil chuckled, a bit awkward. He glanced at the door again. 

Dan frowned. “You can go now if you like,” he assured. 

Phil looked back at Dan. “Yeah, no, yeah. I know,” he answered. “I just—I haven’t got my phone.” 

“Oh! Where is it?” 

“Think I left it at home. I, uh, I can be pretty forgetful when I’m not—well, you know,” Phil rambled. 

Dan frowned. “Right. Uh—” Dan grabbed his own phone, pulling up Mae’s contact. “Shall I text Mae to come get you then?” 

“Yes, please,” Phil said, grateful. 

Dan fired off a text. “Actually, she’s probably upstairs with Amber, have you looked?”

“I haven’t,” Phil said. 

Dan smiled, pocketing his phone. “Let’s go have a look then, yeah?” 

“Thank you,” Phil said quietly, following after Dan. 

“No worries,” he replied easily, walking out of the room. He locked the door behind them and they climbed the stairs.

It was uncharacteristically quiet for a weekday afternoon. Mae and Amber sat chatting in the lounge. Evan sat in the corner on his phone, sulking about something or the other. The others seemed to have dispersed to continue on with their business.

Phil practically melted when he saw Mae, all the tension in his body lessening.

“You’re up!” Mae said with a smile.

Phil curled in on himself a little when both Evan and Amber’s eyes turned on him. “Uh, yeah,” he said.

Mae stood up. “Want to head home, then?”

Phil nodded.

“You’re just going off and abandoning me? Absolute shit friend behavior,” said Amber, frowning at Mae.

“Huh, what gave you the impression that we were friends, mate?” she replied, obviously teasing.

“Bitch.”

Mae just clicked her tongue and winked.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Oi quit flirting and let Mae take Phil home,” he reprimanded cheekily.

Amber scoffed. “Flirting? She wishes,” she answered.

“Your mum wishes,” shot back Mae.

“Gross. Piss off.”

Mae shrugged. She glanced at Evan. “See you later, mates,” she said, walking out of the lounge with Phil. Evan didn’t look up.

Mae tugged on her jacket in the entryway, preparing to leave. Phil rocked on his feet as he waited. Dan wasn’t sure if this was his last time seeing Phil or if he would continue to pop up around here. He decided to make sure Phil knew he had that option. This place was here for those who needed it.

“Hey, mate,” Dan said softly to Phil.

“Hm?”

“If you’re ever alone or feel like coming over here, you can. We always have room for more weirdos,” he said with a grin, his tone friendly. “Some of the people around here might act like cunts but you can just come find me.”

Phil smiled a small smile. “Thank you,” he said softly.

“Course. Uh, hey. Have Mae give you my number in case you’re ever in trouble, or you come here and I’m not around,” he said.

“Will do,” Phil said. “Thanks, Dan. For, uh, everything.”

“No worries.”

“Hey—” Mae tossed Phil her phone, which he struggled to catch. “Call a car. I’ll be out in a sec.”

“I can use this address?” Phil asked, eyes wide.

Dan couldn’t help but grin at the question, shaking his head. “Yeah. It’s just a house, mate.”

Phil looked down, sheepish, and Dan couldn’t deny that it was endearing. Phil was endearing. Dan had never encountered anyone like him, and he could already feel himself becoming too invested. 

The unexpected hardest part of Dan’s “job” was knowing when to shut down his own emotions in relation to others. If he became emotionally invested in the lives of everyone he came across, he would be a wreck. Most people who ended up here had train wrecks of lives. It was better that Dan maintained a distance. He already felt like he had too many people he cared about, and he only really had Evan and Amber.

Dan had made that mistake before, with his ex, and he didn’t want to hurt that badly ever again.

Phil walked outside, and Mae turned to Dan.

“Hey, mate,” she said. “I just wanted to say again that I really appreciate you letting Phil hang out and being so chill about it. Especially when you have your own stuff going on.”

Dan started to dismiss it, but Mae continued.

“He’s one of my best friends, and I love him to death, but honestly he can be—through no fault of his own obviously—just...overwhelming. I have bad days too, but when my bad days fall on his bad days, I have to put my shit aside you know? It’s nice to have someone else willing to, like, be there for him,” Mae rambled, jingling her keys in her pocket as she did.

Dan nodded. “Yeah, yeah,” he agreed. “It’s no problem, really. I mean, you can let me know if, uh, if your guys’ bad days ever come at the same time, and I’ll help if I can.”

“Thanks,” Mae said, smiling.

“Hey,” Dan said, impulsively before she turned to leave. “So, does Phil, like...what’s his...deal?” He ran out of steam toward the end of his question, realizing there was no real way to phrase it politely.

Mae bit her lip. “I mean. It’s not really my place to say.”

Dan shook his head, feeling stupid for asking. “Yeah, no. Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” he said.

Mae paused. She bit her lip. “He, uh. He just had some bad shit happen to him when he was really young, and, uh—” She shrugged. “He’s coping. One of the strongest guys I know, honestly.”

Dan nodded, offering a sympathetic smile. His mind guessed at various traumatic events that could cause a man to cope in this way, but he tried to put a cap on his curiosity. He knew what it was like to have traumatic shit, and he knew that he wouldn’t want a near-stranger knowing the extent of his. He hated that Mae and Phil knew about Jake at all, but he knew they wouldn’t bring it up or hold it against him the way that others had. They were good people.

“I should go make sure Phil’s got the address right, I reckon,” Mae said.

Dan was about to bid her farewell, but he paused. “Actually—” He pulled out the top drawer of the old antique-looking desk which sat in the entryway, gathering dust. He dug through the drawer, finding a pen and tearing a small piece off of a larger document. He quickly scribbled a number across the paper, folding it. He took a deep breath before turning back to Mae. “Here,” he said, holding out the paper. “It’s my personal number. You can give it to Phil too. But no one else, please.”

“Oh,” Mae said, taking the paper. “Wow. Thanks, mate.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan said. “Now get out of here,” he said, good-naturedly.

Mae went to leave once more but paused. “Hey, uh, if you ever need any help with anything, I mean even aside from the girls, let me know.”

~•~•~

It was a few hours after the two left that Dan’s phone chimed. He looked down to see an unfamiliar number.

_ Hi! This is Phil, so you know my number! Enjoy this complimentary photo of a dog _ . -PL

Enclosed was, in fact, a stock photograph of a terrier. Dan’s lips twitched up. He added Phil to his contacts and closed the messages app. He walked into the kitchen and began rummaging about for something easy to prepare.

“Dan?” a scratchy voice asked. Evan’s voice was always a bit scratchy. It was easily recognizable, which Dan appreciated. He had a habit of jumping at voices he didn’t recognize quickly enough.

“Yeah?” Dan asked, unable to ignore the relief he felt just to be alone with one of his friends after such a hectic day.

Evan sighed, and Dan heard the squeaking of a chair being pulled across the tile. He grabbed a bag of bagels and set them on the counter.

“What are we going to do about Jake?”

Evan had a habit of being blunt. It was helpful at times, though it still stung a bit.

Dan swallowed. He was silent, something in his gut twisting. He pulled a bagel out of the bag, and the crinkling plastic seemed deafening in the lull of silence.

“I know you’re scared,” Evan said, trying to speak gently. Dan’s hands clenched into fists anyway. Evan continued. “But we’ve got your back, man. We just need to figure out the next step.”

Dan was still. He felt his teeth grind.

“Mate, I know it’s hard, but we could even talk about going to the police—”

“There is no next step,” Dan said, voice annoyingly shaky.

“What do you mean? You can’t possibly be thinking about talking to him, you know how bad he hurt you. And he’s looking for you right fucking now. That London lead will only last so long, so what the hell are we supposed to—”

Something snapped. Dan turned around. “God, he’s just an old fucking drug buddy, alright? He’s probably just looking for a fucking couch to sleep on. He’ll get over it!” Dan’s voice was still shaky. 

“Oh my god, Dan,” Evan said. “He’s not just some drug buddy. I know that. He was a man that you were close to—”

Dan felt his chest tighten up. “Shut up,” he said quietly.

“And you cared about him and he hurt you, okay? I know that.” Evan was making an effort to speak gently, but it didn’t matter. The words themselves were too much for Dan, and couldn’t ignore the cocktail of anger and fear in his stomach that urged him to lash out. 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he gritted out, trying to keep somewhat calm. Evan was his friend. He couldn’t afford to lose him by being a dick.

“Jesus Christ, Dan, the world’s not going to end the second you admit that you’re gay. I don’t give a shit about that. What I  _ care _ about is my friend’s fucking safety.”

Dan’s heart dropped at the word. 

“You don’t have any idea who I am, or what Jake and I were,” Dan said, tone harsh.

“I know that you weren’t just friends, Dan.”

“We were.”

“And that you loved him.”

“I didn’t.”

“I’m your fucking friend, Dan. You don’t have to lie to me. I just don’t want you running off and getting messed up again because you’re too insecure to let me help you.”

“Just fuck off,” Dan hissed, turning back to the counter and placing the two sides of his bagel in the toaster.

Evan sighed. “Look, mate, I’m sorry, alright? I know this shit is hard to talk about, but you don’t have to deal with it alone. I’m not going to judge, alright? When you’re ready to figure this shit out, come talk. Just promise me you won’t do something stupid like agree to meet up with him or start talking to him again.”

Dan couldn’t imagine why he’d want to do that. He’d be happy never seeing Jake again. Still, he understood the concern. He swallowed.

“I won’t.”

“Thanks, man,” Evan said, patting Dan on the back.

~•~•~

Dan frowned at the unfamiliar number that lit up his phone. He didn’t think much of it, though. This was his “work” phone, so it was often given to those who might need it, even when Dan didn’t know them. He slid his finger across the screen to answer and brought the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“Dan?”

Dan’s heart stopped. No. No, he must be paranoid. It wasn’t—It couldn’t be him. How could Dan tell from just one word what this man’s voice sounded like, anyway? He was jumping to conclusions.

“Uh. Hi?” Dan answered again, heart pounding.

“Dan, hey! It’s me. I’ve been trying to contact you, I was hoping that we—”

Dan hung up the phone, quickly tossing it onto the floor. He pulled his arms back into himself, holding them against his chest. He took in sharp, short, breaths. The man’s voice had been normal and casual, friendly even, as he spoke. It had been a familiar voice, though. A voice Dan hadn’t heard in years and had never wanted to hear again.

Dan felt as though his throat was closing up. He pulled his legs up onto the bed and rolled onto his side, squeezing his eyes closed. His mind repeated his name in  _ that _ voice.  _ Jake’s _ voice. 

_ “Dan, hey!” _

_ “Dan.” _

_ “Dan.” _

That voice. Why could he remember it so fucking clearly?

_ “Dan! Come here, where have you been? I missed you.” _

“ _ You’re imagining things, Dan. You know that never happened _ .  _ Why would I do that? _ ”

_ “Daaaan! Hey! The boys brought over some stuff, why don’t you come hang out with us, yeah?” _

Dan choked on a sob. God, he was going to be sick. His stomach was in knots. He didn’t want to. He didn’t  _ want _ to.

“ _ Dan, baby, I promise I’m not going to hurt you, okay? I’d never hurt you. Don’t you trust me? _ ”

Dan gasped for air.  _ No, no, no, no. _

“ _ Dan, don’t be a spoilsport now, we’re just having some fun. _ ”

He could  _ hear _ the words. He was so fucking afraid.  _ No, please, just leave me alone.  _ He clawed at his own skull, fingers tangled in his hair. 

“ _ Dan! Get the fuck down here!” _

_ “Oh fuck off, Dan. Don’t act like such a pussy. I bet it doesn’t even hurt.” _

_ “God, Dan, don’t be fucking stupid.” _

Dan was properly sobbing at this point, overwhelmed by the memories. He could hear the screams, he could feel the sting, and he was so fucking scared. He was terrified to open his eyes and be back there, or to be wherever Jake was, with bruises on his cheeks and red eyes from the tears. 

Gasping for air, he opened his eyes a bit. The room was blurry, but he caught sight of his other phone, his personal phone, on the bedside. Without thought, he reached for it. He blinked through tears, unlocked it, and opened the messages app. Not Evan. Not Amber. Aside from those exclusions, he didn’t think. He couldn’t. He clicked on the first name he saw. He pulled up the contact and pressed the call button, still panicking.

“ _ Hello _ ?” a voice asked, picking up.

Dan tried to get his mind to form words, but any attempt died on his tongue. He took in a sharp breath and sobbed. He couldn’t even remember who he had called. 

“ _ Dan _ ?” the voice asked, and it sounded nothing like Jake. Dan wanted this voice to say his name over and over and over again until he forgot what it sounded like in Jake’s voice.

“ _ Are you okay? Do you need help? _ ”

Dan tried yet to find words, but he came up short again, choking on another sob.

“ _ Dan? _ ” he asked again. “ _ Dan, are you hurt _ ?”

“Phil,” Dan managed to breathe out, slowly realizing what he’d done. He called Phil.

“ _ Yeah, what’s going on, Dan? Is something wrong? _ ” Phil’s voice trembled the tiniest bit as he spoke, but he was doing well at trying to sound calm.

“Phil, I—” Dan gasped, feeling as if he were suffocating. “Fuck,” he cried. “I can’t breathe.”

“ _ Dan, what’s happening? Do I need to call 999? _ ” Phil asked, composure faltering.

“No,” Dan managed. God, what was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he breathe? “Panicking,” he realized, and said it.

Dan could hear Phil’s breath of relief over the phone. “ _ You’re having a panic attack _ ?”

“Y-Yeah,” Dan managed to affirm, word getting momentarily caught in his throat before it tumbled unceremoniously off his tongue.

“ _ Okay. Okay. Just— Are you alone? _ ”

Dan didn’t feel alone. He felt like he was being watched, but some part of him knew that he wasn’t, and that he was alone in his locked bedroom. “Yeah,” he managed again, a bit easier this time.

“ _ Okay. Let’s just focus on your—your breathing. Do you—you think that will help? _ ”

Tears blurred Dan’s vision again. “Y-yeah.” He was still breathless, sobbing, and afraid, but the memories had faded a little. Having another person’s voice to focus on was helping immensely. 

“ _ Right, uh. Just try and take a deep breath down into your stomach, alright? _ ”

Dan gave it a shot, but his breath felt like it was far too shallow to even make it past the back of his throat. “I can’t,” he sobbed.

“ _ You can. You can, _ ” Phil answered. “ _ Do you want to try this breathing exercise I know? _ ”

Fuck it, Phil probably knew what he was talking about. It might help. “Okay,” he managed.

Phil began the exercise, counting as Dan inhaled, held, and exhaled each breath. Dan struggled, but Phil was patient. 

“ _ There. Good job, _ ” he said when Dan began to get the hang of it, voice quiet and encouraging.

After a while, Dan felt like he could breathe again. “Thank you,” he cried softly. “I-I-I don’t know why... I—I don’t—”

“ _ Hey. It’s fine. Just keep breathing, _ ” Phil said, gently interrupting Dan. “ _ Don’t worry, alright? I’ve had my fair share of panicked breakdowns, _ ” he said offering a soft chuckle.

“I-I don’t know why I called you,” Dan said anyway.

Phil was quiet for a moment. “ _ That’s okay _ ,” he reassured. “ _ I don’t mind. You’ve helped me a lot these past few days. _ ”

Dan was quiet, still trying to focus on his breath. 

“ _ Did something happen? Or, uh, you don’t have to talk, I suppose. I’m sorry, I’m rubbish over the phone _ ,” Phil said, fumbling over his words a bit.

“No, no, it’s fine. I, uh, I don’t really want to talk about it, but thanks,” Dan said. “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

“ _ No, no, nothing important _ ,” Phil assured. “ _ Just a bit of writing _ .”

“Oh? You write?”

“ _ Not really _ ,” Phil replied quickly. “ _ I mean. I do sometimes for various, uh, projects. _ ”

“Oh, so you’re a creative?” Dan asked.

“ _ I suppose. I make short films on the internet, _ ” Phil said. “ _ You can laugh, I know it sounds stupid _ ,” he added with a small chuckle.

“Nah, mate, that sounds cool! Like on youtube?”

“ _ Yeah. _ ”

“Wow. Full disclosure, I used to be such a big youtube fan. You know Smosh? I probably still have a few of their old hoodies.”

Phil chuckled. “ _ Yeah, I’ve actually gotten to meet Anthony and Ian a few times _ .”

“Oh my god, seriously? I’m literally jealous. 16-year-old me is fangirling. That’s so awesome,” Dan said. “So are you, like, a proper youtuber, then?”

“ _ Sort of, I guess _ ,” Phil said with a chuckle.

“I almost started doing youtube a while back,” Dan said, enjoying the distraction of conversation. 

“ _ Really? Why didn’t you? _ ” Phil asked.

Dan swallowed, looking down at the duvet. “The, uh, the guy I was living with at the time thought it was stupid.”

“ _ That’s dumb, _ ” Phil said.

Dan chuckled a bit. “Yeah, well, not like I had the time anyway. I was trying to put myself through university.”

“ _ Right _ ,” Phil murmured. There was a lull of silence, then Phil took in a breath to speak.. “ _ Do you—um. Are you feeling better? _ ”

Dan smiled a little bit. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re actually quite helpful. I’m glad my panicked brain decided to click on your number.” He supposed that in a world where Jake was now a simple call away, it was nice to know that Phil was too. At least for now.

“ _ Good! _ ” Phil said brightly. “ _ I’m glad I could help somehow _ .”

Dan yawned, stretching his arms out. “Well, mate, I think I’m good to go. Thanks for the chat.”

“ _ Of course, no problem _ ,” Phil assured him.

“Yeah.” Part of Dan didn’t want to hang up, but he was worried he was coming on too strong anyway.

“ _ Goodnight, Dan, _ ” Phil said cheerily.

“Goodnight Phil.”

Dan hung up and set his phone on his chest.

His stomach did a flip, and he felt warm.

Ah, shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Notes (Emotional Spoilers)
> 
> \- Evan, meaning well, confronts Dan about his sexuality and his relationship with Jake, his abuser. Dan denies being gay as well as having cared about Jake, and he reacts emotionally upon having to confront the old relationship.
> 
> \- Dan has flashbacks to Jake saying manipulative things, gaslighting him, and verbally abusing him. Physical abuse is implied. The flashbacks trigger a panic attack.


	4. Of Things Difficult to Discuss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His sexuality at risk of being outed, Dan’s life is falling apart around him, and for some reason he’s at Phil’s flat again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah anyways in my 2013 strangers to lovers au interpretation phil still made a video entitled The Hunger Games (and gay shoe marriage) just sans the /repeated/ mentions of dan. maybe switch them with mae or sumn lmao. twas just a good example of this phil's video's vibes
> 
> CW: mentions of weed & dealing drugs, threats, blackmail, gaslighting, dissociation, flashbacks, allusions to rape/CSA

“This is so dumb,” Dan murmured aloud to himself as he opened youtube. Still, he clicked on the search bar and typed in ‘Phil.’ Dan hadn’t been a super avid user of social media since he was seventeen, but he assumed Phil wasn’t some celebrity, and that he wouldn’t show up without a last name, or his actual username. Still, Dan pressed enter.

Lo and behold, among a few Dr. Phil clips, Dan saw AmazingPhil. There was no mistaking the jet-black mess of a haircut and wide blue eyes. He  _ was _ a proper youtuber. His channel boasted over 600,000 subscribers. Dan’s eyes widened as he clicked on the channel. 

He clicked on a video entitled “The Hunger Games (and gay shoe marriage)” more than intrigued by the title and thumbnail (featuring Niall Horan) alone.

Dan didn’t know what he had expected, but it couldn’t have possibly been as wonderful as this. Phil launched immediately into a Q&A with questions from his, apparently plentiful, audience, and Dan was giggling after 30 seconds. He had to pause a few times to gather himself, pleasantly surprised at this on-camera version of Phil. He was energetic, quirky, witty, and wonderfully odd. Dan found himself clicking on another video, then another, then another. He paused when the fourth short video ended. 

He’d nearly forgotten that this was the same man who showed up at his house asking to be told Dan’s stories. Phil had a  _ life _ . He had plenty more than Dan did, if this was anything to go off of. Dan didn’t know how much Phil could actually make off of this, but the relevance alone provided plenty of opportunity. The fact that he was spending his time with Dan of all people was mad.

Dan had to pull himself away from his computer before he fell down a rabbit hole. He dragged himself upstairs to grab a coffee, lost in thought.

For a man who struggled so much with his sexuality, Dan sure did get crushes easily. It was stupid the way his stomach fluttered at a text from Phil. It was probably infatuation. Phil paid him attention. He was gay. They’d seen each other when they were vulnerable. But also, he was just cute, and dorky, and funny, and he sent Dan photos of strangers’ dogs on the tube. He even seemed to be interested in the same stuff that Dan was interested in. Well, when Dan had the time to devote his attention to a tv show or a band or a YouTuber. He was certainly Dan’s type.

Dan was sure he would get over it. He had a habit of forming crushes on new friends and acquaintances. He’d even crushed on Evan for a good few weeks. It would pass; it always did. He had better things to worry about.

Dan left the kitchen with a cup of coffee, mentally preparing himself for another day in paradise.

“Dan?” Evan called from the living room. “Add the Markson’s kid to the no service list.”

Wonderful. “Markson?” Dan replied. “The kid up north? Mate, that’s like two hundred pounds a month, are you fucking serious?”

“Coppers caught him with weed on him. I reckon he would be willing to lead ‘em to us out for a few bucks off the fine,” Evan explained.

“Fuck,” Dan breathed. His gang made most of its money from growing and selling weed. Dan made most of his own money by taking a slice of it. 

“We can try to find more buyers downtown,” Ash suggested. 

Dan stepped into the living room, where Ash, Amber, and Evan stood. He had the sneaking suspicion they had been waiting for him.

Ash had been around a little over a year and had slowly made his way further into the gang and, subsequently, Dan’s life. While he wasn’t sure if they were friends per sè, they’d gotten fairly close working together. He seemed like an overall good guy.

“That’s Jake’s territory, though,” Evan rebutted, and Dan felt a chill run briefly through him.

“Fuckall he can do about it on parole,” said Ash. He was slumped against the wall, hands in his hoodie pockets. His short dreads fell into his face, and his dark eyes were trained on the floor in front of him.

Evan laid back on the couch, stretching out, and Dan sat on the armrest, pulling a leg up. Amber sulked quietly on the floor in the corner of the room. She sharpened a knife as she sat, something or the other appearing to be on her mind.

“Yeah, well, he has friends mate,” Evan said.

“But, we haven’t had beef with none of Jake’s crew in nearly a year,” Ash countered, crossing his arms.

“But he’s out now,” said Dan. “We don’t know what to expect.”

“Can’t you two have at it already and stop putting us in the middle of your drama?” Ash asked. His tone wasn’t entirely serious, but it wasn’t particularly joking sounding either.

Amber looked up at this, gripping her knife a bit harder. Dan met Ash’s eyes, his jaw tensing. There was silence for a moment. Dan stood.

“Care to make any more comments about shit that doesn’t involve you?” he asked.

Ash rolled his eyes. “Nevermind, mate. Whatever. Keep your drama to yourself, I don’t give a shit.” He stood up from his slouched position.

Dan stepped toward him. Ash wasn’t a small man at all, but Dan was still a bit taller. He kept his eyes set on Ash’s, knowing the ins and outs of intimidation by now. It was practically a big dick contest around here. The gang, sans maybe Evan and Amber, communicated by odd exchanges of power, and Dan knew by now how to come out on top.

“No, please. Let me know how I should handle this most likely armed convict and his gang of followers who all want only to see me and those near me suffer. Any bright ideas?”

Ash broke eye contact, looking down. There was silence for a second. Dan went to sit back down. 

“We could ask the girls. I’m sure they know people who could use some artificial highs,” Ash said.

Dan nodded. He turned to Amber. “Mind asking about?” he asked. 

“A’ight,” Amber agreed.

~•~•~

Dan sighed, falling onto his back onto his bed. He reached for his phone, opening it. He looked down at the texts on his phone from what was apparently Jake’s new number.

_ Hey, Dan! I hope this is the right number for you. I’ve been trying to contact you. Why don’t we get together some time to catch up _ ?

_ There’s that new vegan place on 4th, you still into that shit? lmao _

Dan had left the first text read, not replying. Even if he’d known what to say, he had been too busy trying to stop his head from spinning. The second came in later that day. It was so fucking familiar, and Dan left it alone, too. He couldn’t let himself say anything.

_ Honestly, I miss you, Dan. All I’ve been thinking about this past year is you and how we left things. I just want to fix things. Please let me try _ . 

A small, stupid, desperate part of Dan begged him to give Jake one more chance.  _ Maybe this time _ … He stopped himself again.

_ I’ve been through hell for years now, Dan, and you’re just going to abandon me? You’re all I had. I was always there for you. I always supported you, even when you fucked up. So now mean nothing to you? I thought you got it, Dan. I thought you weren’t like everyone else. _

A pity party. He’d always been awfully good at those. Dan’s heart twinged with guilt nonetheless. As if Jake had ever supported Dan. As if he had ever truly been there for Dan.

_ I never even fucking hurt you _ .

The final text came last night. It was a wonderful thing for Dan to have woken up too. It was obvious bait. He wanted Dan to argue. If Dan argued, if Dan engaged, he’d be admitting that he still cared, and he’d be playing right into Jake’s hands.

Dan dropped his phone onto his chest, closing his eyes. God, he hoped that Jake would give it up soon. He had to, or Dan would lose his mind.

Dan didn’t want to look at his phone when he felt it buzz in his pocket. Ever the worrier, he did anyways. Something like relief and a bit like delight washed over him when he read the name of the contact. It was Phil, having texted a simple “ _ Dan _ ?” Phil was easy. He was more than easy. In fact, Dan was starting to  _ enjoy _ being his confidant.

_ what’s up _ ? - DH

_ Feel weird. Wanted to talk to you idk _ -PL

Dan couldn’t help the odd feeling of excitement which welled in his stomach. Phil was asking for his help, his comfort, and he liked giving it so much. The self-esteem boost that came with cheering up Phil, a near strange, was perhaps concerning. Maybe he just liked to feel useful. It felt so damn fulfilling to have Phil come to him afraid and then to make him less afraid, to make him feel better. 

_ no worries _ -DH

_ i don’t mind chatting  _ -DH

It was a few minutes before Dan received a reply. 

_ Can I come over? _ -PL

Dan frowned. The girls had gathered in the living room again. The stench of weed hung heavily in the air as a few kids decided to spend their precious free time smoking. There was loud laughter one minute and irritated voices the next. It definitely wasn’t the environment for an emotionally uncertain Phil.

_ kinda crazy over here rn prolly best u stay put tbh sorry  _ -DH

Phil’s reply came immediately.

_ ahh it’s fine _ -PL

_ I think Mae’s already over there _ -PL

_ lol idk i’ve been holed up in my room all day antisocially  _ -DH

_ Me too it hasn’t been a fun time _ -PL

_ oh my time’s been great _ -DH

The bubble which indicated Phil typing popped up and disappeared a few times before the next text was delivered.

_ yknow it’s pretty calm over here if you wanted to be antisocial together _ -PL

Dan couldn’t help the way his heart flipped in his chest. He hadn’t lent himself the time for a genuine, somewhat flirty, social encounter like this in longer than he could remember. He’d forgotten how fun the beginning back-and-forths of relationships could be. He’d nearly forgotten what a crush felt like. Maybe Dan was just excited at the idea of someone new to pay him attention and keep him company. Maybe Dan wanted a friend a little more than he wanted to believe he did.

Dan grabbed his wallet and keys off the bedside, along with his usual pocket knife and phone, pocketing the items.

_ sure u won’t mind my antisocial vibes _ ? -DH

_ I’m sure!  _ -PL

~•~•~

Phil opened the door looking a bit frantic. His hair was being particularly unruly, and he seemed the slightest bit out of breath. “Hey!” he said, opening the door and inviting Dan in. “Sorry, I just realized that this place looks like I haven’t cleaned in months. Which, to be fair, I haven’t really.”

Dan gave a small chuckle, walking into the admittedly messy flat. Dishes were piled up in the kitchen sink. In the lounge area, various objects were scattered around in places they weren’t meant to be. Papers laid on the couch, blankets in a pile on the floor. 

“Still feeling weird?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Phil answered. “It just feels…” He paused. “Sorry, I don’t. That’s a little, um—” He chuckled. “TMI.”

“No. No,” Dan said and cleared his throat. “I mean I’m used to it if you want to tell me. You don’t have to, but it’s also not like—I don’t mind, really, is what I’m saying. Or failing at saying. Sorry. My brain’s right fuckin scrambled today.” He'd gotten a bit rambly with nerves. He was practically begging Phil to take his mind off Jake.

Phil looked down. “I just—today nothing feels r-real. It’s like I’m dreaming and everything is weird and disconnected.”

“Derealization?” Dan asked.

Phil looked up. “You know about that?” 

“Yeah. I, uh.” He shook his head. “I was planning on becoming a social worker for a while, back at uni. I learned a lot about, like, that stuff.”

“Really?” Phil asked, looking up. “A social worker?”

“Yeah,” Dan said, chuckling a bit. “Surprised?

“No,” Phil answered quickly. He was quiet for a minute. “You’d make a good one.”

Dan huffed a small chuckle. “No one seemed to think so when I was at uni for it.”

“Mm,” Phil hummed. “Well, plenty of the social workers I’ve met have been absolute rubbish.”

Dan smirked. “Maybe I could’ve gotten the job then,” he said.

“Shut up,” Phil said. “I…” he trailed off, eyes going the slightest bit crossed as he stared off into the middle distance. “Yeah.” He blinked a few times and looked back at Dan. “Sorry, uh, my hosting skills are a bit rusty. Don’t have people over too much. Did you want some tea or coffee or something?”

“Nah, it’s—” Dan paused and took a moment to reconsider. “Yeah, alright.” He rolled up his sleeves, walking into the kitchen. “How about you put on a pot, and I’ll load up the dishwasher,” he suggested, flipping on the tap.

“Oh, no, no, you don’t have to do that,” Phil said quickly.

“I want to,” Dan answered. “Need something to occupy me. Besides, Evan always does the dishes at our place, so I reckon I ought to remind myself how.” He gave a small grin.

Phil grinned, too. “Right,” he agreed. “We all have to stay practiced at washing dishes.”

“Exactly. Might—” He chuckled. “Might forget how. Alright.” He picked up a dish and turned on the tap.

Dan was halfway done loading the dishwasher, and Phil had taken to tidying the lounge while he waited on the kettle, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He toweled his hands off and looked down at it. His stomach dropped. It was another text from Jake.

_ this is about being gay, isn’t it? you’ve been pretending since I left. you don’t have to pretend, Dan. you just need to confront it head-on. you can meet up with me and we can talk, but if you don’t then I can just tell your friends the truth, and you won’t have to hide anymore _ .

What? What did he mean? He was going to out Dan to his friends?

This time Dan couldn’t ignore it. He quickly replied.

_ you do not have my permission to out me to anyone. that’s my business, and if you truly cared you’d leave it alone _ .  _ -DH _

_ meet me somewhere -JS _

This was blackmail. Jake was trying to blackmail Dan into meeting up with him. He was holding Dan’s biggest secret, ready to unleash it onto everyone that Dan wasn’t ready to tell, and the only thing Dan could do to stop it was give Jake another chance.  _ Fuck _ .

_ I’ll see u tomorrow on 4th at 3pm or I’ll assume you want me to be the one to do it  _ -JS

There it was. Dan had until tomorrow to make up his mind, he supposed.

“You okay?”

Dan looked up to see Phil’s gaze pass over him uncertainly.

“I…” Dan bit his lip. “Yeah,” he said quietly, pocketing his phone. He turned back to the dishes. His hands were shaking, so he just plunged them beneath the sudsy water. “Hey,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Can I tell you something?” he asked, holding his breath.

“Yeah, of course.”

Dan slowly exhaled. “I’m gay.”

“Oh!” Phil gave a surprised laugh, and quickly followed it up with. “Me too.”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh. He supposed he’d had an inkling based on Phil’s videos and general mannerisms, though he’d dismissed it as wishful thinking. “Oh.”

Phil giggled and leaned back against the counter. “Why have you told me that?” he asked.

“I don’t really know,” Dan answered. “I haven’t told anyone before. Well, only my ex-boyfriend.” It felt strangely relieving to call Jake that, even if it hurt more.

“Oh,” Phil said. “Wow.”

Phil didn’t seem to know what to say. Dan brushed it aside. “So you too, huh?”

Phil chuckled again. “Yep.”

“How long have you known?”

“Since I was about twelve. Once I discovered that men can have abs, basically.”

Dan laughed, and Phil chuckled a bit as well. 

The laughter trailed off and the two men were quiet for a second. 

“There was this boy in my class in secondary school,” Dan said softly. “He was nice to me, and he had really beautiful blue eyes.” Dan had the sink tap turned to the hot side as he rinsed dishes. It was a bit too hot, but he didn’t mind the burning enough to alter it.

“That’s much more romantic than my 12-year-old thirst,” said Phil with a chuckle.

“Are you out?” Dan asked, turning off the tap and drying his hands. He meant for it to sound a bit more conversational, though it came out on a shaking voice. He supposed it was too late to pretend to be cool about it. He looked to Phil for his answer.

“I guess,” he said. “I was never too good at hiding it. I’m not good at, like, confronting people about it though. I basically let my parents figure it out.” Phil glanced between Dan and the floor as he spoke, crossing and uncrossing his legs.

“Me too, I guess.” Dan said.

More like Dan had fucked every boy he could lead up against a wall and begged his parents to pay him any mind, even if the only attention he got was his father saying he was a dirty deadbeat queer. He supposed he’d thought it was all an act to piss off his parents at first, something he’d grow out of. Jake had been different, and more than just lust or rebellion. Dan had cared for him. But, Jake ended up being akin to the devil incarnate, so maybe Dan  _ was _ being punished for being a sinner, and his dad was right all along.

“I don’t really care about strangers knowing, or my, like, followers,” Phil continued. “It was just difficult to come out to my family.” He stared at a crack between two of the couch cushions for a moment.

“Makes sense,” Dan said. “My parents know. Haven’t spoken to them in ages, though.”

Phil nodded, forcing his mind to focus on the current conversation. “I’m sorry. I can’t imagine.”

“I don’t know why I keep trying to tell you all my trauma,” Dan said with a soft chuckle.

Phil sat down. “Maybe that means I’m easy to talk to,” he said.

Dan chuckled. “Or maybe you’re so bloody weird that I can’t even be ashamed of my own weirdness,” he retorted.

Phil grinned. “Good. Embrace your weirdness,  _ Daniel _ .”

“No. You aren’t authorized to call me that,” Dan said, making a disgusted face.

“Alright, Danny.”

He fake-retched. “Worse.” 

“So, are you thinking of coming out?”

Dan swallowed, returning his gaze to the dishes, uselessly rinsing nothing off of them. “Yeah,” he admitted. “I think I, uh. I think I have to.”

“Are you scared of how people will react?”

Dan swallowed. “I’m scared of how I’ll react, to be fucking honest.”

“I get that,” Phil said quietly. He sat down on the couch, abandoning his cleaning. “I...I get that,” he repeated.

Dan shoved the last cup he could into the overloaded dishwasher and closed the door. He turned back to look at Phil and frowned. Phil was staring toward the floor, though he didn’t seem to be looking at anything.

“Phil?” Dan asked softly. “Derealizing?”

Phil licked his lips, eyes just a bit crossed. “D...dissociating. Or...or something,” he said quietly. “Sorry, can’t focus, I…”

Dan kicked himself mentally, reminding himself of just who he was talking to. He had no idea what could trigger Phil, or what Phil even dealt with aside from vague symptoms. He didn’t know what sent Phil into regression to avoid anxiety the way that he had when they first met. He knew firsthand how conversations around sexuality could bring up intense feelings, though.

Phil bit his lip, unwelcome images surfacing unwarranted. He fell back against the couch, scenes playing over and over in his mind.  _ He didn’t want it. He didn’t like it.  _ He felt so scared, and alone, and confused.

“Phil?” Dan asked, entering the lounge and kneeling down by the couch. 

Phil sniffled, shaking as he wrapped his arms around himself. He felt so scared and vulnerable, just like he had back then. He squeezed his eyes closed trying to remember what life had felt like moments prior to the memories rearing their heads. 

“Phil?” Dan asked, softer. 

A tear slid down his cheek when he opened his eyes.

“Are you alright?” Dan asked, unsure. 

“Dan, m’not—can’t stay...big,” Phil managed softly, as the memories flashed about his mind. He nervously bit his lip. “Sorry,” he added softly. “Bad... day…” He stared into the middle distance, seeming not entirely here.

Oh, fuck, Dan  _ had _ somehow triggered him. He was regressing, possibly having flashbacks, and obviously bothered. Dan kicked himself. He shouldn’t have brought up such a heavy subject without any warning. He didn’t know Phil, and Phil hadn’t signed up to hear his drama and angst.

“Oh. Right. Th-that’s alright. I’m sorry, Phil. I shouldn’t have— You…you can, like, be small if you need to.”

Then Phil was burying his face in his hands. He shook his head and sniffled. “Dan,” he breathed. “I’m—I’m... _ m’scared _ .” He could remember what the man looked like, towering above him. Where he touched Phil…

Dan set a hand cautiously on Phil’s knee. “Why are you scared, Phil?” He tried to keep his voice even and calm, shifting into the familiar carer role he took on for those who needed reassurance.

Phil set a hand on top of Dan’s. “K-keep thinking of… of the bad man,” he replied. “He kept touching me and—” Phil sniffled again, another tear running down the bridge of his nose. He shook his head. “I didn’ like it.” 

Dan bit his lip at the thought of a poor defenseless young Phil being taken advantage of. “He’s not here.” Dan didn’t know what exactly to say, but he found words spilling past his lips anyways. “The bad man’s not here, Phil. No one is going to touch you. I promise.” He tried, for his own sake as well as Phil’s privacy, not to let his brain imagine what scenes Phil’s mind might be replaying. “I won’t let anyone touch you,” he added.

Phil sniffled. He moved his hand up and wrapped his fingers around Dan’s wrist. “Dan,” he said softly, voice a bit shaky. “Can you h-help… help make the bad thoughts go ‘way?”

Dan stood up on his knees, looking around the room until his eyes landed on a remote. “Yeah. Yeah, Phil. I can try. Come on, I’ll put on a cartoon or something. Would you like that?” He picked up the remote. 

Phil nodded, pulling his thumb into his mouth as he sniffled and looked up at the blank television. As Dan pulled up Netflix, Phil let go of his wrist to pull a blanket around himself. “Watch it with me?” he asked, taking his thumb from his mouth. “Please?” 

Dan touched his phone in his pocket, thinking of all he needed to get done, even aside from making a decision about Jake. He sighed. “Sure, bud. Came to hang out, didn’t I?” He climbed onto the couch and sat beside Phil. “Anything, in particular, you want to watch?”

Phil sniffled again and hummed as if in thought. “Pokemon?”

“Impeccable taste,” Dan praised. “Indigo league?”

Phil nodded again, thumb back in his mouth. Dan pressed play and Phil settled into the couch, seeming satisfied. His tears seemed to stop, and he seemed perfectly entertained by the simple TV show.

“Hey, Phil?” Dan asked quietly after a few moments.

“Uh-huh?” Phil answered, around his thumb. 

“How…” He didn’t know how this worked. Was it a certain age that he regressed to? Was it just a feeling of helplessness that manifested in childlike behavior? Did the intensity of the regression vary? He couldn’t very well ask any complicated questions when Phil was in the midst of his regression. He settled on a simpler question, to gauge the severity of the situation as it was. “How big are you?”

Phil scooted a bit closer to Dan. “Little...” he admitted quietly, eyes cast downward. “Really little,” he added, seeming a bit surprised by it himself. “I’m sorry. I-I—m’glad you’re here. It’s scary feeling so small sometimes.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course, Phil. You don’t have to be scared, alright?” he replied. He scooted over the last bit, toward Phil, and Phil leaned against him. Dan buried his attention in the television, trying to steer his thoughts away from both the warmth place where Phil’s shoulder touched Dan’s and from the ticking time bomb that was his current predicament.

“It’s okay,” Phil said quietly after a long time just watching the telly.

“Hm?” Dan asked.

“Being gay,” Phil clarified, in a gentle, careful sounding voice.

“Oh.”

Phil swallowed. “I-I—I thought it meant that I liked what my—what the...what the bad man did to me, but no. I like other guys. Nice and pretty and kind guys. An-and that’s okay.”

“Oh,” Dan breathed. “Yeah, man. Of course.”

“You’re nice, Dan,” Phil said quietly. “If you want, you deserve a super nice boyfriend. Who takes care of you, like you take care of everyone.”

Dan shook his head and chuckled, doing his best to disregard his misty eyes. “Psh, you’re the only one I take care of, mate. Just do it because you appreciated my tats.”

Phil giggled, looking to Dan’s tattoo sleeves yet again. His eyes flickered across the designs “You should get a lion tattoo on you,” he said nonsensically, a bit sleepily.

Dan grinned. “Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“Maybe I will.”

“Have you ever seen gay lions?”

Dan snorted. “Can’t say I have.”

Phil hummed, eyes closed. “Lots of lions are gay,” he said.

Dan couldn’t help but laugh, despite it all. “Oh? I’ll have to look into it.”

Phil just nodded, before yawning a large and undeniably  _ cute _ yawn. Dan decided he could stay for a while. At least until Mae came back. He couldn’t leave Phil alone like this. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he didn’t want to leave at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Notes (Emotional Spoilers):
> 
> \- Dan talks with the gang about a client they sold weed to. They’re just like ‘damn gotta find more ppl to sell weed to.’
> 
> \- Jake contacts Dan and tries to make Dan believe he’s wrong about their relationship, attempts to guilt trip Dan into giving him another chance, and eventually threatens to out Dan as gay if he refuses to meet up with him, phrasing it as though it’s “for Dan’s own good.”
> 
> \- Dan accidentally triggers Phil, who experiences vaguely descriptive flashbacks to being sexually abused. He’s briefly confused about whether or not he’s in the moment or just recalling it. He expresses having experienced turmoil with his sexuality due to his abuse.


	5. Out in the Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: coming out, blackmail, being outed, h slur, smoking, csa mention, sexuality turmoil

Evan sat in the lounge when Dan returned that night. He swallowed, shrugging off his coat and hanging it. No one else seemed to be around, so Dan leaned against the wall of the entryway. He took in a slow breath, words repeating themselves in his head.  _ Just say it _ .

“I’m gay,” Dan said.

Evan looked up and smiled a bit, setting his phone down. “Good for you, mate,” he said. “You want to talk about this whole Jake thing?”

Dan hadn’t planned to, but he did sort of want to now. He sat down on the couch, and Evan met his eyes. He sighed.

“Damn, I…where do I bloody fuckin’ start?”

Despite the question, he quickly launched into the story. He supposed he hadn’t realized how much of it he’d been keeping to himself to avoid bringing up sexuality.

Dan met Jake during his freshman year at uni. He’d been scraping together money from part-time jobs and living out of a shitty dorm room. Jake had his own place and ties to money. Dan soon found himself spending all of his time at Jake’s place. 

Jake was messy and broken and misunderstood, and Dan thought that he was too. He thought that maybe they could be messy and broken and misunderstood together. Jake made him feel like it was okay to be broken, to give up, to drop out, to get high, to throw away his life. Somehow, that turned out to be an unhealthy lifestyle. Jake’s health got worse and worse until he was taking it out on Dan. Jake would hold Dan’s addiction’s over him until it was impossible for him to leave.

Dan gave his spiel, recounting all the bullshit Jake put him through. He showed Evan the texts he’d received, ending with the one that read:

_ I’ll see u tomorrow on 4th at 3 pm or I’ll assume you want me to be the one to do it  _ -JS

~•~•~

( _ three years prior _ )

“Hello?” 

Dan gasped, surprised by the voice in the dark, instinctually flinching as if he’d just been caught. The man stepped into the streetlight’s beam, and Dan recognized him vaguely. He wasn’t sure they’d ever spoken before. This man was shorter than Dan but far burlier. He wore a white tank top and ripped blue jeans. His arms were filled with tattoos, including a tattoo of a joker playing card. Dan had the same one on his arm, to match the one Jake had on his.

“Sorry, mate. You’re friends with Jake, right?” he asked.

“I know him,” said Dan cautiously. Jake was his boyfriend, back at home, probably passed out in bed by now.

“Look, I’ve been working with Jake and I’ve been talkin’ to some others who have, too. They’ve said he’s taken money from them, refused to pay them, all sorts of bullshit.” The man was closer now, and he was speaking quietly. 

Dan was on guard, unsure if he was being threatened. He held his hands up tiredly. “Look, mate, I don’t want any trouble. If you’ve got a problem, take it up with him yourself.”

The man stepped back a bit. “Nah, nah, no trouble. What do you do for the asshole, anyway?”

Dan frowned and sat back on the bench.  _ Everything,  _ he thought. “Nothing,” he said. “We’re just roommates.”

The man nodded, reaching into his pocket for a pack of cigarettes.

“What do  _ you _ do for him?” Dan asked.

“Mostly logistical stuff, really.” He lit up a cigarette and pocketed his pack again. He hurried to take a drag. “I’m Evan by the way,” he said on the exhale.

“Dan,” Dan answered, looking away.

“Oh,” Evan said, and he looked Dan over again. He lingered on Dan’s face, and Dan was acutely aware of the dark bags beneath his eyes and the few small bruises on his cheeks.

Dan bit his lip. There was no reason this man that Dan had only seen around about three times should know about his relationship. He didn’t think Jake was out to anyone. He was pretty sure Jake didn’t talk about him much at all. 

“So,” Evan swallowed and stepped closer once again, lowering his voice. “A couple of us are thinking of leaving. Or tossing Jake out.”

Dan bit his lip, realizing what that meant for him. Jake was the only thing keeping Dan alive right now, between drug fixes and housing, Dan was utterly dependent on him. Evan seemed to be offering an alternative. They could support each other, as well as others of the gang, without Jake. 

Dan, unbeknownst to Evan, could go home and tell Jake what he was planning. Dan had the power to sentence Evan to whatever punishment Jake would find appropriate, and he’d be the good guy in Jake’s eyes for once.

“We just need to know how many people we’ll have on our side,” Evan said.

Dan bit his lip, thoughts racing. His eyes stung from the cold wind and the crying.

“Fuck it,” he said. “S’pose I’m in.”

~•~•~

( _ present, not on 4th street, at 3 pm _ )

Dan couldn’t take his eyes off the clock. He still had time to go. He wondered if Jake would wait for long. If he’d stay for hours even, in case Dan showed up late. It was going to take everything in Dan to stop himself from going out to see.

“He’s a scumbag, Dan,” Evan said, setting a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “He used you. He wants to use you again.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, tugging his gaze away from the numbers that read 3:03 pm. “Yeah. Nah, I know.”

Evan sat on the couch, a foot or so to his left. 

“I put him in prison,” Dan said softly.

“He deserved it,” Evan said, certain beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

Dan swallowed and nodded again. “You know…” he started. “I had a crush on you when we first met.”

Evan grinned. “No way,” he said. “Me?”

“Yeah. Don’t get too much of a fucking big head over it, though.” He fell back against the couch cushions. “Had a brief crush on Ash too.”

“Ash! Dude, I would not have seen him as your type.”

“He’s got his moments, man,” Dan said. “Like when he has his hair longer and his dreads fall into his face and make him look all tall and mysterious. Also, he’s got  _ abs _ , like….” Dan coughed. “Anyways.”

Evan raised an eyebrow. “Jesus bloody Christ, who are you?” he asked with a chuckle.

Dan laughed, a bit more nervously, swallowing. “I’m  _ gay _ . I…” Dan looked up at the ceiling. “I think...Phil. I think I like him. In a gay way.”

“Phil, ay?” Evan asked, sitting up. “Who’s that?”

“The, uh—Mae’s roommate. Black hair, blue—blueish eyes, pale.”

“Oh.” Evan furrowed his brow. “The bloke that was in your room a few nights ago?”

“Yeah.”

Evan tilted his head and squinted skeptically. “Interesting. He seemed off, mate.”

“I guess,” Dan said, ignoring Evan’s poor phrasing of his concern. “He’s sweet, though. And he’s cute. And he’s…”

“A mess,” Evan interjected. “Just like I was when you first met me, and Jake, and Ash.”

“I mean—” Dan tried to defend himself, but Evan continued.

“Dude, love whoever you wanna love. I just want you loving people because you like having them around, not because you want to take care of them, or fix them.”

Dan bit his lip and nodded. “That’s fair.” He glanced at the clock again. 3:19 pm. Jake was probably still waiting. 

Dan had blocked Jake’s number, but he wondered if Jake was going to try to text him, to call him. The more he thought about it, the more stupid guilt built up in his chest. The stupid ‘he’s just gotten out of prison, Dan, you owe him,’ point kept repeating itself in Dan’s head. But Jake deserved his prison time, damn it, and Dan didn’t deserve to be his comfort object. 

~•~•~

_ Dan Howell is a cocksucking homo _

Well, that was one way to go about it, he supposed. Dan was sat at home anxiously waiting for any updates on Jake’s plans when he received a message from Evan containing an image. The picture was of the cement sidewalk outside of the vegan place on 5th, and the words were painted in black paint.

_ cheers _ -D.H.

_ i’ve seen like eight of these so far. also think he got word out otherwise, but really how dramatic  _ 🙄 -E.G.

Dan gave a small smile at the text. It  _ was _ over-dramatic. Jake could hardly pass such a crude and mean-spirited act off as a misguided romantic gesture. Perhaps a passion-filled one, is what he would argue, a lapse in judgment. He had reason to be angry, Dan reckoned. He was newly free and, in a certain way, utterly alone. That was in large part due to Dan. But, no. He’d put himself in that place. He’d denied help. He’d done the bad things and received punishment for them. Dan didn’t owe him anything, especially after all he put Dan through.

~•~•~

Dan ignored both of his phones, turning them off entirely. He didn’t want to know what random people from his past felt about his sexuality. He didn’t want to know if the graffiti circulated back to his parents. Sure, they knew he was gay, but the crude and very public graffiti would certainly inspire further disappointment if they managed to find out about it. He didn’t want to know if Jake had found a different number to text him from, either. He’d blocked two numbers so far. He was beginning to think that he’d have to change his work phone number, but he knew some people needed to be able to reach him, so he’d have to deal.

As it was, his ‘work’ phone was blowing up with more messages than his personal. It would seem that if someone needed to contact Dan, today was not the day to do so.

Dan had to confront everyone. He wasn’t going to ignore it, and he’d spent the last night working up the courage to face it head-on. He took a deep breath and left his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

Ash and a few others were already in the home’s basement, and their eyes turned to him. Dan ignored their questioning gazes and walked upstairs. He passed the main room, making a beeline for the kitchen. He grabbed an apple off the table and a plate from the cupboard before he returned to the main room. He walked in, set the plate down, and leaned against the wall. He took his pocket knife out of his pocket, flicked the knife open, and looked up.

Eyes that had been looking at him looked away. Ash and the others who had been in the basement had come up to the main room. Perfect.

“Alright,” Dan said. His voice somehow came out steady and authoritative despite the anxiety curling madly in his abdomen. He supposed he could thank his theater experience for that. He’d gotten good at feigning confidence after a couple of years of this job. Perhaps he’d gotten the apple just as an excuse to show off a knife. He knew the tricks of the trade. He knew how to come across as dominant in a room full of authority-averted people. 

“About the bullshit graffiti. It’s by Jake’s gang, and if you don’t know them, they’re arseholes, the lot of them.” 

A few people nodded in agreement.

“Cheers,” said Ash.

Dan heard the front door open, but he paid it no mind and continued. “As for the accusations…” He took in a slow breath, slicing the apple with his pocket knife, and let it go. He set the apple down on a plate beside him. He looked back up, still holding the open knife. “Yeah. I’m gay. If anyone has an issue with that—” Dan wiped off his knife on his shirt and cast his eyes over the gang. He touched the blade with his thumb as if checking the sharpness. “—you better fucking speak now.”

The twelve or so people in the room glanced around at one another, but they said nothing. 

“That’s what I thought.” Dan plopped the apple slice into his mouth and closed the knife.

Phil watched as Dan addressed the room, pausing in the entryway. His intimidation tactic was a bit obvious, but he supposed that was the point. It  _ was _ intimidating, almost to the point of feeling unsettling to Phil. Dan seemed comfortable in that role, so much so that Phil didn’t think it was merely an intimidation tactic. He would be hard-pressed to believe that Dan didn’t follow through on his unspoken threats. It was no surprise that no one raised any issues. They remained silent even as Dan exited the room. He paused at the entryway.

“Phil,” he said, seeming surprised as he entered the entryway, apple in hand.

Phil looked him over. He wore a big, black, denim jacket over a white t-shirt and black, ripped, skinny jeans. He was only wearing one earring today, the right one, and Phil wondered if he’d done it on purpose. He wore boots that raised him a bit taller than Phil, and his hair was straightened across his forehead. Phil was reminded of how he felt when they first met, and he remembered why he’d been so intimidated.

“Hey,” Phil said, sounding a bit surprised himself. Dan’s friend, Evan, he thought, looked over at them from where he stood in the hallway. “Uh, you weren’t answering mine or Mae’s texts so I figured I’d come just, like, make sure you’re alright.” He glanced again at Evan, who looked quickly away and pulled out his phone.

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry, mate. My phone’s just been—” He bit his lip and looked around. “Uh, I’ve had it turned off.”

“Oh,” Phil said. There was a beat of silence. Anxiety buzzed softly in Phil’s stomach. He looked around at the people gathered in the lounge. Most were dressed in black, many were very tattooed, and all of them looked just a bit scary. Not that every stranger didn’t look scary to Phil’s socially anxious, traumatized, brain.

Dan looked around as well and then back to Phil. “You wanna talk in my room?” he asked. Once again, he welcomed the distraction that Phil’s company offered.

Phil visibly deflated and smiled a bit. “Yeah, yeah.”

Dan led him back down the hallway and to the basement.

“So, you did it,” Phil said as he waited for Dan to unlock the door to his room.

“Uh, yeah. Guess I did,” Dan answered, pushing the door open and reaching up to adjust his hair.

Phil walked into the dim room, and Dan went to flip on a light switch. “Congratulations,” said Phil, offering a small smile. “That takes a lot of bravery.”

Dan leaned against the wall. “Oh, yeah, I mean, it wasn’t really my choice, so…”

“What?” Phil asked, frowning.

“My ex, he, uh, decided to leave a very public message about my sexuality outside of a vegan cafe,” Dan explained. “Among other places.”

“Oh my...oh my  _ god _ , Dan. That’s horrible. I’m so sorry,” he said. “I—” He hesitates for a second. “I had my friend out me to all my old secondary school friends. It sucked.”

Dan was taken a bit aback by the reaction. “Yeah. It…it feels weird that people care so much about my personal life.”

“I know,” Phil agreed. “Like why does it have to be major news who I want to bloody shag--ugh, anyways. That...that sucks.”

Dan smirked a bit at his crude way of wording it. “It does.” 

Phil got that glassy sort-of look in his eyes again, and Dan frowned. 

“We don’t have to talk about this, though,” he said, a bit quickly. “I really don’t have the energy to be bothered with it right now, to be honest.”

Phil nodded slowly. “Yeah. I…I’m sorry, Dan, I….I don’t mean to…” He blinked a few times.

“What?” Dan asked, trying to keep his voice friendly enough.

“Nothing….Sorry, nothing.” Phil swallowed. He felt so close to regressing, to slipping out of his barely-functional, adult, headspace. He didn’t want to, though. His abdomen still tightened with anxiety over Dan’s display of intimidation. Phil couldn’t explain the way he looked more like a  _ man _ , and it frightened him a bit.

His regressed mind had sorted Dan into a safe category when he had shown Phil compassion, but Phil had to remember that he didn’t know much about Dan at all. Sure, Mae worked with him, but they didn’t know each other. All he knew about Dan was that he was a repressed, traumatized, gay guy with a probable history of drug abuse and the warmest voice Phil had ever heard.

“It’s fine,” Dan promised. “I know it’s...um, it can be hard to talk about this stuff.”

Phil felt that he desperately needed to talk about it. He couldn’t rely on his internal monologue, needing occasionally to say things aloud to focus on them. “I…” Phil started. “You know how I like boys? At—at least when I’m, uh, like—” He gestured to himself. “—normal, Phil?” 

“Yeah,” Dan said, his soft gaze on Phil’s. Phil didn’t feel the urge to squirm away from Dan’s eye contact the way he often did. He looked away, anyways.

“The um. The stuff that sort of... Like, my trauma. It was a—” Phil swallowed. “—man that hurt me. Sometimes I wonder if part of me… But I was just a kid, I...I couldn’t have…”

Phil’s eyes got foggier and wetter as he spoke, and Dan felt a lump form at the bottom of his throat. He’d seen countless people down on their luck with teary eyes and tragic pasts. He’d guessed that Phil’s C-PTSD stemmed from childhood, but it still stung to hear Phil confirm it. Dan had his fair share of teenage angst and familial falling outs, but he couldn’t fathom an adult (or  _ adults _ ) hurting a child so badly that they were left with the scars and phantom pains in adulthood.

“You were just a kid,” Dan repeated carefully, understanding enough of where it was going. “You couldn’t have.” 

Phil nodded.

“Not all men are going to hurt you,” Dan promised, the lump of emotion climbing into his throat. He’d only loved one man himself, and he’d been hurt terribly. “There are horrible men who do horrible things and we—you don't deserve that. But there are men who are gentle—” Dan reached to push a stray strand of Phil’s hair back. “—and kind, and understanding. And it’s okay to like those men.”

Phil nodded. He was quiet for another moment. 

“Dan….” He sucked his lower lip into his mouth and tugged at the cuffs of his sleeves. “Thinking about this m-m-makes me, uh...feel small,” he managed.

“Oh, yeah, that’s alright. That’s fine. I, uh, reckon I could use the distraction, anyways, if you want to hang out here while you, uh, you know.”

Phil nodded. He sat down on the bed and looked at the ground. It was difficult to be afraid when Dan was offering company and potentially comfort. 

“Is there anything you need me to do for you?”

Phil slid off the bed and onto the floor, pulling his knees up against his chest. He shrugged and sniffled, a tear slipping down the side of his cheek.

“Hey, hey...what’s wrong?”

Phil shook his head, burying his face between his knees. “I’m not doing good,” he said, voice a bit muffled.

“What d’you mean?”

“I-I--I’ve l-let everyone d-down,” he sniffled, breaths short and stuttered. “M’too small all the time. An…an’ I have t-to be positive, but I...I can’t do it. “

Dan frowned. He thought back to the bright and cheerful persona on the AmazingPhil channel. He had no idea how much energy went into maintaining that image, nor what the workload of the videos themselves looked like.

“You don’t have to be positive,” Dan said, frowning. “I’m sure as hell not bloody positive all the time.”

Phil gave a little snort at this through his tears and reached to wipe his eyes. “But I...I can’t be s-small because I have to do big things.”

Dan bit his lip. “Well, maybe I can do the big things for you for a while, Phil.”

Phil looked down again. After a moment of careful breathing, he nodded.

“Yeah?”

Phil nodded again.

“Alright,” Dan said. 

“Want…” Phil murmured. “Want to...do...somefin.”

“Yeah?” Dan asked. “Like what?”

Phil looked down at his hands, picking at his jeans uselessly. “Color?” His voice sounded much smaller.

“Uhh, not sure I have anything to color. Let me have a look. How about you sit up on my bed, bub.”

Phil sniffled, climbing onto the bed. “Do you—um…”

Dan looked up at him, waiting patiently for Phil to gather himself.

“Have a...a, um…” Phil sat up, bringing a hand to his own shoulder and squeezing it. “S-stuffed animal?”

Dan bit his lip. “Hm,” he said. “I...might just. I’ll check.”

“Thank you.”

Dan smiled a bit. “No worries.”

Leaving Phil on his bed, Dan left to dig among his things. In not too long he returned with crayons, papers, and a stuffed animal.

“Here,” said Dan, setting his childhood bear on the bed. “Found him in an old box.”

Phil lit up. “Wasshis name?” he asked, words slurred together.

“Just Bear,” Dan said. “Never really named him, properly.”

“Bear,” Phil said softly. He tucked the animal under an arm.

“Now, um, I didn’t find any coloring books, but I did find some useless paper, so if you’d like to draw…” Dan set the crayons and papers on the bed.

“M’rubbish at drawin,” Phil said softly.

“Yeah?” Dan asked with a small chuckle, glancing up at Phil. “Me too. You don’t have to be good, though. Long as you enjoy yourself.”

Phil smiled. “Thanks, Dan.”

“Yeah, no worries,” Dan said thoughtlessly, watching as Phil picked up a purple crayon and drew a circle on the page.

Dan laid back on his bed, resisting the urge to turn his phone back on. He wasn’t ready to face that shitshow yet. 

God, he was out. 

Everyone knew now. There was no more hiding this bit of himself. There was no need to. So why did he still want to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning (Emotional Spoilers):
> 
> \- Dan comes out to Evan.  
> \- Jake tries once more to get Dan to meet him as he threatens to out him as gay.  
> \- Jake has graffiti publicly spread around Dan’s gang’s neighborhood that calls Dan gay and “a h*mo.”  
> \- Phil discusses fearing that his sexual abuse has something to do with his sexuality.
> 
> ~•~•~
> 
> ty for all the comments <3 may reply to them when i have energy but just know when i see them my heart goes '!!'


	6. Friends in Low Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil can’t seem to keep away from Dan’s gang, especially when regressed. Dan questions the safety of having him around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: assault, anxiety, abandonment issues, abuse mention

“That’s just fucking petty.”

“Yes, well, he is a petty man,” Dan replied quietly.

“He’s a sorry excuse for a chav, ‘s what he is,” Evan hissed. He tossed his backpack down to the floor with a bit more force than strictly necessary. “You know all the shit I did for him? He wouldn’t have anything to fall back on after this jail time if it weren’t for me. I swear to God if I see him in the street…” He scoffed and shook his head. “It’s enough that he fucking lured kids—like  _ us _ —into his shithole gang. Now he won’t fucking let us go?”

Dan sighed again, headache slowly worsening. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall. “It’s fine,” he said. “We’ll just...I dunno.”

“We can’t  _ do _ anything,” Evan said, laughing without any humor. “He’s got  _ so much _ on us. He’s got the busier side of town. He’s stirring up more and more fights between ours guys and his. Dan, this isn’t going to stay civil. He’s out of his fucking mind.”

“I know. I know,” Dan said, reaching to rub a thumb over his temple. “Just fucking shut up for a moment, would you?”

A few of Jake’s gang had jumped Ash earlier in the day. He’d come out with just a bloody nose and bruised knuckles, but it was the first time in a long time they’d had anyone jumped. Without Jake, Dan’s gang had very little conflict with other street gangs. Jake, however, seemed keen to stir up trouble. It was bound to land them all dead or in jail.

Dan had been stupid and naive enough to believe that he would distance himself from this life soon. Now, he was stuck in deeper than he had been for years. So, this was his fucking life, then? Helping broke kids do illegal shit and trying to avoid stabbings by an ex-boyfriend who also happened to be a major player in a gang, indefinitely?

“Sorry,” Evan said, taking in a breath. “Sorry,” he repeated on the exhale. “I...I’m sure we’ll figure something out.”

Dan buried his face in his hands. “I just want him out of my fucking life,” he said, rubbing his fists over his tired eyes.

Evan bit his lip, setting a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Yeah,” he said. His voice had moved down from the higher, louder, annoyed tone. He rubbed Dan’s shoulder. “Me too, mate.”

Dan was quiet, trying to sort out his thoughts. His brain felt like a knot and he couldn’t find a single loose end to follow. He feared he’d be tied up forever.

“You should get some rest,” Evan said. It sounded more like a question, as he left Dan room to object. Dan nodded, though. He was grateful for Evan, and he had no idea what hellscape his life would be without him. And, God, did some rest sound nice.

It was only five pm, though Dan hadn’t slept much at all last night. One of the girls had been evicted from her flat and told no one, so Dan had found her on a park bench outside the club she worked at with nothing but a small backpack of sentimental trinkets she was able to grab. After a few hours of emotional labor, he got her safely back to this place. He had no clue how long she’d be staying here. 

Dan had just laid down on his lumpy, fucked-up mattress, in his dark and messy room, about to try to unfuck his brain with a much-needed nap, when his phone went off. 

Groaning overdramatically, he sat up and reached for it. Realizing that it was his personal phone rather than his work one that was going off was a relief. He still hadn’t managed to sort through all the messages on his work phone. He frowned at the contact name and answered. 

~•~•~

Phil had been pacing for about twenty minutes now. He was so  _ bored _ , and so  _ lonely _ , and quite possibly on the verge of some type of crisis. He couldn’t possibly work. He couldn’t possibly do anything else. He couldn’t possibly do nothing at  _ all _ . Mae was out, and Phil didn’t want to call her again, to interrupt her life with his issues. He needed  _ someone _ , though. The only person he could think of was Dan, of all people.

He had friends from back at university. He had his parents. If he was honest, he really didn’t want to talk to them. He knew his family was worried about him. After things fell through at the BBC, he’d dropped entirely off the radar for a bit. While he had been uploading youtube videos and texting his mum back, no one knew how he was really doing. He didn’t want anyone to know. He had thought he was doing better. Maybe he’d just bit off more than he could chew with the mess that was his brain.

Dan only ever saw messes. He was used to messes. Phil could be a mess around him. It wasn’t as though Phil felt entirely shameless, but he knew Dan would be among the last to judge him. Plus, he had a certain way he spoke, warm and low like a rumble in his chest, and it was calming. God, Phil wanted to hear someone else’s voice. He felt so alone.

Phil stopped pacing and pulled out his phone. “Alright,” he said aloud to himself. “Just call him, Phil.” He swallowed and pressed the call button. It rang once. Twice.

“ _ Phil _ ?”

Phil realized then that he had no clue what to even say. “Dan, hey,” Phil said, hoping he didn’t sound as nervous as he felt. “I, uh… What are you up to?”

“ _ Uh, nothing, really. Why? _ ” Dan sounded tired, and Phil felt a bit guilty for taking up his time.

“Don’t know,” Phil lied. “Mae’s out. Figure I need some other people to talk to.”

“ _ You— _ ” Dan paused. He seemed to be having trouble articulating himself. He sighed. “ _ Mate, I don’t think I’m necessarily an acquaintance you want to have _ .”

Nerves coiled in Phil’s stomach. “What do you mean?” 

“ _ Just. I don’t know, I just— _ ”

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” Phil interrupted. He could hear how his own voice sounded smaller. “I’m sorry if I did.”

“ _ No, no, it’s literally not that, it’s just _ —” Dan sighed again. “ _ It’s not safe for you to keep hanging ‘round here. Especially with me. You don’t want to get caught up in this shit _ .”

Phil felt a strange sort of indignance at that. He wasn’t  _ actually _ a child. He didn’t need Dan to tell him what he should do for himself. “So, Mae can, but I can’t?” he asked, forcing a laugh so it sounded a bit less accusatory. He wasn’t sure it helped. 

“ _ Look, I don’t—Mae made her decision to come and help out. It’s a stupid decision, and you don’t have to do it, too _ .” 

“What, you don’t think I can handle it?” he asked.

“ _ It’s not about that _ ,” Dan said. “ _ You shouldn’t have to. It’s just not worth it, mate. Like you can call me if it’s an emergency, but I just...You’ve got that life right? Youtube? You hung out with Smosh, mate, you don’t need some fuckin’ peasant down in the slums to befriend. _ ”

Dan sounded tired, and Phil felt a bit bad arguing with him, but everything about this sounded like a rejection. Phil wasn’t sure why, but he really didn’t want to leave Dan’s life. He understood what Dan meant, but a voice in his head kept saying that he must have done something wrong. 

Phil bit his lip. “If that’s what you want…”

“ _ I just _ .” Dan sighed. “ _ It’s best, you know? Thanks for everything, though. With the whole, uh, coming out thing. _ ”

“Yeah. Right.”

“ _ I’m sorry, Phil. _ ”

“No, yeah, it’s...whatever.”

“ _ Bye, then _ ?”

“Yeah. Bye.”

Phil held the phone to his ear, the tone that meant Dan had ended the call rung against his ear, and he swallowed. Anxiety had tied his abdomen in knots, but at least he wasn’t bored any longer.

~•~•~

Dan was contemplating getting drunk or high or both as he laid in the living room, knot in his stomach. He jolted when a knock came at the door. He dragged himself to his feet and to the entryway, peering through the peephole of the door.

There at the door stood Phil, wrapped up in a big jumper, arms crossed over his chest. He was shaking the slightest bit, and his eyes were wide and watery. When Dan opened the door, he took in a shaky breath and looked up to meet Dan’s eyes.

“Phil…” Dan started, but Phil shook his head vigorously, face screwed up like he was wincing. 

“Please don’t leave me, please,” he said, his voice barely above a breath. A tear slipped down his cheek, and he sniffed.

Dan bit his lip. Phil’s words and the desperate, pleading, way in which he said them, pulled at a specific heartstring of Dan’s. “Oh, come on, then,” he said, stepping aside to invite Phil in. “Tea?”

Phil sniffled, walking into the home. He nodded, reaching to wipe at his nose with his sleeve. He sat down at the small table in the corner of the kitchen, still sniffling.

Dan filled a kettle and put it on the stove before he took the seat across from Phil at the table. “So what’s going on, Phil?” he asked, looking intently at the man.

Phil shrugged, looking down at the table.

“You said not to leave. Have you been left before?”

Phil swallowed. “N-not really. I mean. S-s-sometimes when I, um, g-got small, my mum o-or Mae, or whoever would sort of l-leave me alone.”

“And you didn’t want them to?”

Phil shook his head, and another tear slipped down the bridge of his nose, falling onto the table. “B-because when—when Mum l-left me alone…” He sniffled. “Th-that’s when the...” he trailed off, letting out a soft sob. “Bad things,” he said.

Dan noticed Evan coming down the hall, and he looked up from Phil to send him a warning look. He cast his eyes over Dan and Phil once more before he retreated back into his room. Dan returned his full attention to Phil.

“Are we talking about when you were a kid?” Dan asked.

Phil nodded again.

“The bad things happened when your mum left you alone?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay,” Dan said. “I won’t leave you alone. No bad things.”

Phil glanced up at Dan. “Promise?”

“Yeah. Promise.”

The kettle began whistling, so Dan stood. He took it off the heat and fetched two mugs for both of them. Putting a chamomile blend in each cup, he poured the drinks and brought them to the table along with sweetener. Phil continued to look down at the table as Dan did this, sniffling intermittently.

Dan sat down again. “How often do you get small?” he asked.

Phil shrugged. “Didn’t use to this much...not since I was a--a teenager.” He wrapped his hands around the mug, looking down at the water as it turned a copper color.

“Did something happen that made it more often?” Dan was trying to get the full picture. He didn’t want to make Phil recount his trauma in detail, but he felt he needed a bit of background to fully understand why Phil kept coming to him in the headspace of a panicked child.

Phil nodded. “Lost a job,” he said. “And...some other stuff.”

“I see.” Dan stirred sweetener into his tea. 

“M’sorry for coming,” Phil said. “Know it’s not an emergency.” He tugged his hood over his head. He tugged his knees up against him, making himself as small as he could be on the dining chair. He rocked back and forth a bit on his chair as he spoke. “I just...I thought you were my friend.”

Dan sighed. “I’m sorry, Phil. I thought we were friends too. I mean, we are. I genuinely just wanted to look out for you. Things have been…” Dan stopped himself there, shaking his head. He took a sip of tea. “Well, we can talk about it when you’re feeling better.” Dan patted Phil’s knee. “We’re still friends.”

Phil looked up. “Promise?”

“Yeah, bud. Promise.”

Phil smiled a bit, and Dan took that as a victory. “So,” he said. “Are you wanting to stay the night? We’ve got plenty of old couches and twin beds.”

Phil tensed. “D-Don’t leave me alone,” he said softly, repeating his earlier sentiment. “Please.”

“Oh,” Dan realized. “Oh. Alright.” He took a sip of his tea. “We can stay in my room. You can have my bed, yeah? I’ll just sleep on the floor.”

Phil frowned. “I can sleep on the floor,” he said, voice soft.

“No, it’s fine, mate. I got a pretty nice air mattress. I’ll just grab you another duvet,” Dan said. 

~•~•~

Dan locked the door once they were both in his bedroom. He went to search through the closet for his old air mattress, and Phil climbed into his bed, curling up at the top.

“Dan?” His voice was lighter than it was when he had spoken to Phil in his adult mind. It had a bit more of a northern sound to it as well, though that might have been because it came out of Phil’s lips half-slurred. 

“Yeah?” Dan asked, tugging the large mattress out from the closet. 

“Did you see the doggies at my flat? That I sent you?”

Dan couldn’t help but chuckle. “Yeah, I did,” he said, setting up the automatic air pump. “Must say I appreciate the animal content.”

“Oh good,” Phil said. “I was worried I was annoyin’ you.”

“Oh, no, no, I’d be sending back my own dog sightings, I just haven’t been out in the wild much.”

“Mm,” Phil hummed. “I really want a dog. Wouldn’t have to be home all alone all day.”

Dan chuckled again. “Yeah?” He turned on the pump. It wasn’t too loud, emitting a low buzzing as it blew up the mattress.

“Don’t want to take care of one in the city, though,” he added.

“Yeah, same,” Dan said. “My family have a, uh, a lovely dog down south, but I don’t have the space for one here.”

Phil hummed in sympathy. “I’ve never had a dog.”

“No?”

“I had a bunny.”

“A bunny?” 

“Mhm! He ran around the house a bit like a dog.”

Dan furrowed his brow, grinning a bit at the image. “Interesting.”

“Hey, Dan?

“Mm?”

“Mae said she had to stay over with Amber? Do you… do you think she’s okay over there?”

“Oh, yeah. Pshh, yeah, mate. Amber’s--she’s a good girl. They’ll be fine together.”

Phil nodded slowly. “Okay. That’s good.” He shifted, reaching to adjust the pillows. “I think I’m...I think I’m gonna try to sleep.”

“Alright, bud, me too. If you need to wake me up, that’s fine.” He caught Phil’s gaze, wide, sleepy, eyes meeting his. “I meant it, you know. I don’t mind. I’ve liked hanging out with you.”

Phil looked down at his lap. He swallowed, tracing the stitching on Dan’s duvet with a fingertip. “Even when I’m just being scared?” His voice was much quieter, and his gaze seemed unfocused.

Dan settled onto the air mattress, thinking maybe it would actually be better for his back than his messed up old mattress. “I mean, yeah? Obviously, I don’t  _ like _ that you’re scared or whatever, but… I don’t know, mate, everyone gets scared.”

Phil hummed thoughtfully before snuggling into the duvet. “Thanks, Dan,” he said. 

~•~•~

Phil found Dan in the kitchen at seven am, the house oddly quiet. Dan sat at the dining table scrolling idly through his phone.

“Good morning,” Phil murmured.

Dan looked up quickly. “Oh, hey! Good morning,” he greeted. “How are you feeling?”

Phil sat down at the table and shrugged. “Embarrassed, mainly,” he admitted, scratching his neck.

“Oh, pshh,” Dan dismissed with a wave of his hand. He set his phone down, giving Phil his attention. “We’re well-past embarrassment. How about me randomly panic-phoning you two days after we met?”

Phil smiled a bit. “I didn’t mind,” he dismissed.

“Well, uh. I figure if you want to stick around we ought to, um, have a chat about how things work around here,” Dan said.

“Oh,” Phil said, thinking he might be too sleepy for this. “Uh, alright.”

Dan attempted to say something, but cut himself off just after opening his mouth. “You know what? Let’s go get some breakfast. I’ve been in here all week, I feel like the walls are closing in on me.” Dan stood and grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair.

Phil followed after him, grateful for the chance to wake up a bit more before confronting everything.

~•~•~

Once Phil had some coffee in his system, his logical mind activated enough to chide himself for showing up at Dan’s place in the middle of the night while emotionally unstable. Dan had told Phil to leave him alone, yet he was  _ still  _ being kind and understanding. Phil understood why he gravitated toward Dan when he was regressed. He had fears. He wanted to be saved and taken away from any and all bad things. Dan had proven that he could do that for Phil. He’d done it again last night.

“When we were together a bit ago,” Dan started. “You said you’ve been having a harder time lately. That you’ve been regressing more.” Dan spoke quietly, but Phil still became keenly aware of the few other people in the small, sparsely populated, cafe. It was still rather early. They’d arrived just after the place opened. 

Phil nodded.

“So, like, before anything, I just want to ask: Do you think that your interactions with me and the ga--me and my friends have made things worse for you?”

“No,” Phil answered. “No, no. I just. I have my own stuff, and it’s made things get worse. But, no. You haven’t made anything worse.” Maybe it was Dan’s incomplete social work degree, or maybe it was the fact that Phil was used to talking to therapists, but he didn’t feel as anxious discussing his problems the way that he often did with new acquaintances. 

It seemed that he was trying not to show it, but Dan looked relieved. “Okay,” he breathed out. “That’s good.” He looked down at his mug.

“Actually, um, you’ve helped,” Phil added. “A lot. It’s just—I don’t know. It’s been a tough week.” He chuckled nervously.

Dan glanced up. “Yeah,” he agreed. He looked Phil over again, something skeptical about his expression. “Yeah,” he repeated.

Phil looked back down at the table, his menu open. “I ought to decide what I want, huh?” he murmured to himself.

Dan snorted. “That might be helpful.”

“God, I’d love some pancakes now,” Phil said, voice deeply serious.

Dan giggled.

Phil giggled. “What?”

“Nothing,” Dan said, taking a drink of his water.

“Are you judging my pancakes?”

Dan nearly choked. He swallowed. “No,” he assured with a grin.

Phil regarded him with his best attempt at the same skeptical expression. “Good,” he said, and returned his attention to his menu. “Okay, am I thinking chocolate or fruit palette, first off…”

~•~•~

Dan wasn’t sure if Phil was still near-regressed from the night before, or if he was always this endearingly...youthful. He looked around like the world was something purely exciting, a spark in his eyes. Dan watched him, amused, as they walked back to the house. Phil walked along the cement flower beds rather than the pavement.

As for Phil’s continued involvement in the gang, they had decided to proceed with caution. Or maybe they had decided to put off deciding. All Dan knew was he’d eaten an entire meal before midday and had a genuinely pleasant few hours in a row, both for the first time in ages.

It had kind of been like a date. Though, Dan didn’t really have a frame of reference. The closest thing to a date he’d been on was Jake bringing him along to the club where he sold party drugs. He quickly dismissed the thoughts. Phil wasn’t looking for that. He was looking for a friend, wasn’t he?

Dan had been lost in thought when he caught the movement of a darkly clad figure in his peripheral vision. He snapped his gaze over in time to see two thin, young-looking, men run up on the two of them. One gave Phil a shove as he passed him. The other lifted his arms and then there was a fist against Dan’s cheek.

As quickly as he could manage, admittedly a bit out of practice at impromptu street fighting, Dan retaliated. “What the fuck?” he asked, shoving the man off him and jumping aside. He caught sight of a familiar tattoo on the man’s bicep of a joker’s playing card.

“Hey, Dan,” sang the one sizing Phil up, and Dan’ snapped his gaze over to him. “This your new boyfriend?”

Phil’s eyes were wide, and he stood frozen in place.

“No,” Dan hurried to deny. “No, he’s not part of this. We don’t even know each other.”

The other man turned to Phil. “Is that right?”

Phil just stared, eyes wide. 

“Hey, just leave him, alright?” Dan raised his voice, stepping out in front of Phil to put himself between him and the two men. They weren’t big by any means, but he was surely outnumbered. “You’re with Jake right? His issue is with me and my friends, alright, not him.”

“Well,” said one, cracking his knuckles. “Bad day to be out with Dan Howell, then.” He turned on Phil.

Dan moved quickly to shield Phil from the two men. He wrapped an arm around the closer man’s neck and brought his knee up at the same time that he yanked the man’s head down, delivering a hard blow to the face. The first man incapacitated for at least a moment, Dan turned quickly on the other man. He found, luckily enough, that the two men were better at talking than fighting, as Dan managed to overpower them both. Though Dan had perhaps too much experience with this sort of thing.

Eventually the men staggered off again throwing curses but no more punches, and Dan was left a bit worse for wear but otherwise fine. He turned back to face Phil, who had been watching the entire time, his eyes wide and unfocused. Dan wiped his brow and took a second to catch his breath. 

“Fuck, alright,” he said breathlessly. “Come on.” They quickly walked the rest of the way to the house, only a few blocks down. Phil followed just behind Dan, eyes trained on the ground directly in front of him as they walked.

Dan quickly shut and locked the door behind them after they made it inside. Phil still appeared rather shaken up and detached from himself, and he stared at the corner of the room, eyes unfocused.

“Phil,” Dan said. “We, uh. We’re safe now.”

Phil nodded slowly.

“Do you want to go to my room, or…do you want to call Mae..?” Dan wasn’t sure what to suggest. He wasn’t sure Phil was processing his speech entirely either.

Phil didn’t answer, blinking as he stared off into space.

“Are you regressing?” Dan asked in a quieter voice despite no one being around.

Phil swallowed. He shrugged his shoulders.

“Okay. Alright. I’m sorry. This is what I meant when I said we can’t—nevermind. Nevermind. Um. God.” Dan ran a hand through his hair. “I’m so sorry, Phil. I don’t—I don’t know what to say.”

Phil sniffled. He wrapped his arms around himself and looked around at the room. He whined softly and curled in on himself.

“Let’s go to my room,” Dan said. “Is that—does that work?”

Phil nodded, and Dan turned to head down the hallway. After a few steps, he realized Phil wasn't following behind. He turned back to look at Phil and frowned.

Phil swallowed and looked around the room once again before he hesitantly stretched out an arm and offered Dan a hand. Dan couldn’t help the scan of the room that he did himself before he took Phil’s hand. Phil seemed to relax the smallest bit, and Dan led him down the hallway. 

As soon as they reached Dan’s room, Phil let go of Dan’s hand, climbed back into Dan’s bed, and curled up under the duvet. He watched Dan carefully as Dan closed and locked the bedroom door. Dan fell into his desk chair, taking a second to process the morning’s events.

_ Well, shit _ .

Dan looked up at Phil, who continued to stare into the middle distance, appearing fearful. He sighed. “You going to be okay?”

Phil didn’t move his gaze. He shrugged. “That was scary,” he said softly.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed. He wiped his face, finding a bit of blood above his brow. “Yeah.”

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, voice small.

“Yeah. No, yeah, bud. I’m okay.” Dan closed his eyes and took in a slow breath. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Phil said.

Dan shook his head and huffed. “You’re gonna be on his radar now,” he said. “You’re green lit.” He couldn’t look over at Phil as he spoke. He heard Phil swallow.

“Well,” Phil said, giving a weary smile. “I guess that means you’re stuck with me now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Emotional Spoilers~
> 
> \- There’s talk of gang members being “jumped” or physically assaulted by rivals.  
> \- Phil calls Dan and experiences anxiety as Dan rejects him by suggesting he leave the gang alone for his own safety, and they argue a bit.  
> \- Phil expresses a fear of being left alone.  
> \- Dan and Phil are assaulted by members of Jake’s gang. Dan fights them off, and no one is severely injured.
> 
> ~•~•~
> 
> was it abundantly clear that i'm unpracticed at writing action and fight choreography bc i usually just write funky gay little love stories on the internet or no


	7. Green Light, Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil now potentially marked as a target for Jake’s gang, he and Dan must sort out their new dynamic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: argument/fight, breakdown, tattooing

Phil was still shaken up, but he’d calmed down and was obviously trying to pull himself together. He laid on his side on Dan’s bed, cuddling his pillow and watching Friends on Dan’s laptop. Dan still felt guilt churning in his stomach. Or maybe it was nausea. He had put Phil in an unsafe situation. He’d brought Phil into a situation that he couldn’t leave, that he may  _ never _ be able to leave. Hell knows Dan had his fair share of daydreams about leaving this life behind. It just wasn’t possible. And now Phil was stuck with it too.

Dan gathered himself in the bathroom. He looked like death, dark circles under red eyes, but he supposed it went with his overall aesthetic. He splashed water in his face a few times, and when that didn’t make him feel any lighter, he just left the bathroom with the same weight still on his shoulders.

“Dan?” Evan called from the kitchen.

Dan sighed to himself. “Yeah,” he called back.

Evan walked out into the hallway. “Oh good, you’re up. Listen, Ash and a few others have clocked members of the old gang as being active again. They’re targeting those of us that left.”

“I know,” he answered, walking past Evan and into the kitchen. “Phil and I got jumped,” he said.

“What?” Evan asked, following after. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Dan answered, cracking his neck and moving to fill up a cup with water. “Two kids, never seen them before but they had the, uh, the tats. They went for Phil too.”

“Is he alright?” Evan asked. “Actually, wait, are  _ you _ alright?”

Dan swallowed down a few gulps of water. “Yeah, I mean. I’m alright. I think--I think Phil’s alright.” He touched the cut above his brow.

_ God _ , why the hell did Jake have to get out? Dan didn’t have it in him to wish Jake any worse, but his life was most likely going to be a living hell as long as Jake was alive and free. And Jake wanted that. He liked the romance of it. Of chasing Dan as if he were a deer in a forest, a trophy to be made. But it wasn’t just Dan in danger. It was his friends, acquaintances, and possibly even his family. Dan swallowed again. “He’ll not stop ‘til he gets a rise out of me. Might not even then.”

“So what do we do?” another voice asked.

Dan turned around, finding Amber had managed to sneak into the room. He swallowed.

“We’ve got to stand up to him,” said Evan, cautiously.

Dan nodded, looking back down at the counter. He poured the rest of his water down the drain. “How?” he asked, though his mind was providing answers already.

“He’s been out of the game. We’ve probably got loads more people willing to take our side. We just have to, you know…make it official.”

“That’s all, huh?” Dan knew he was being difficult. He knew that they were right. “I just have to sentence everyone here to a life of fear and crime, and that will solve our problems?”

Evan sighed. “It’ll keep Jake from messing with other innocent people.”

Dan swallowed, thinking of Phil downstairs.

“Jake’s a bully. He thinks he can waltz back out and take over the streets again, but he can’t. The people who might have gone to Jake, came to us instead, and the loyalties we’ve created will protect us. Jake can’t take down the whole city,” Amber said. She spoke quietly and quickly, but intensely.

“You think people will agree to it?” Dan asked.

Amber took in a slow breath. “I think that you’ve been a leader to a lot of people, and I think that lots of people owe you a debt. If you ask them, they’ll follow you.”

“You want me to take on the same role that the man I hate did?” 

“It’s better than people turning back to him, right?”Amber asked.

Before Dan could reply, not that he had anything at all clever or insightful to answer with, he heard the front door open.

“Hello?” a familiar voice called.

Dan sent his two friends a look to communicate, imperfectly, that they could talk more later. He had a lump in his throat, a concoction of emotions swirling about his abdomen, an already emotionally compromised man downstairs that he probably managed to further traumatize, and the roommate of said man to explain that to. He felt an unwarranted jolt of irritation surge through him and he wanted to slam the door shut after him when he left the kitchen. Everything was _so_ _much_.

Mae stood in the hall, brightening when she noticed Dan. “Hey,” she said quickly. “Where’s Phil? He said he came over last night.”

Dan swallowed. “He’s in my room.”

“Oh good,” Mae said, appearing relieved. “I’m sorry, man, I didn’t even notice him leave. I mean. Not that I’m, like, ‘in charge’ of him or anything! I just mean I didn't know. I might’ve been able to talk to him or something, because I know you’re, uh, dealing with a lot right now.”

“Mae,” Dan said, cutting off her somewhat frazzled ramblings. “Listen. I, uh. We went out earlier, me and Phil, and...two of Jake’s blokes jumped us.”

Mae’s eyes widened, and she straightened up. “Is Phil okay?” she asked quickly.

“Yeah, yeah, he’s totally fine. He’s down in my room,” Dan answered, trying to speak with an even inflection. “But… I think he’s greenlit now.”

“Fuck,” Mae said. “ _ Fuck _ ,” she repeated, louder. She brought her hands to her hair, throwing her head back. “How could you have— You’re telling me you fucking show up at my place, give my friend a panic attack, and now you’ve got him wanted by gangsters? What the fuck, Dan? How could you—This isn’t his fight! He—you have no idea what he’s been through do you?” Mae was rambling heatedly now, pacing.

It was all Dan could do to listen, and to nod. Suddenly the lump in his throat began to climb upward, and his eyes began to water. God, she was right. He had to be a leader? He had to actually unify the group? How the hell could he do that when he couldn’t manage to keep one man safe from harm for a morning?

“Like, how can he work on recovering if he continues to be exposed to more and more of this traumatic shit? I can’t—Dan?” Mae paused her rant, looking at Dan.

Dan wanted to reply. He could feel the wetness on his cheeks. His voice failed him, then his legs, and he was sinking to the floor. Tears clouding his vision. He buried his hands in his hair and tugged at it, holding his breath and then letting it out in a sob. He wasn’t sure of the exact moment that he had lost his fragile composure, but there he was, and everything was too much, too hard, and he wasn’t good enough. He couldn’t do this.

It was embarrassing. Just as Dan was meant to be taking up a leadership role, he broke down in front of Mae, as well as Amber and Evan, who were probably listening in. Dan squeezed his eyes shut, only upset more by the embarrassment. God. God, he needed to pull himself together, damn it. 

“Dan…” Mae started. Her voice was significantly gentler than it had been a second prior. Whatever she had been about to say was cut short when Phil walked up the stairs, appearing behind Dan in the hallway. 

Dan choked on the lump in his throat, only breaking more as he realized Phil was now privy to his impromptu breakdown.

“What happened to him?” Dan could make out Phil’s voice demand, shaky and soft.

“I didn’t mean… Shit. I’m sorry, I didn’t--” Mae started.

“No,” Dan tried to reassure her through his own panic and tears. “N-No, it’s--”

“What’s making you scared?” Phil’s words were rushed with his panic, and he looked at Dan with wide, fearful, eyes.

“Nothing. No--Nothing, bud. Just…” Dan struggled to somehow regain control of himself and the situation. He couldn’t calm down, biting back a sob. 

“God, I’m sorry, Dan. I-- Phil, why don’t we…” Mae stepped forward, and Phil quickly shied away. She sighed. “Phil, we need to--”

“No,” Dan managed to say again. He was trying to keep his own tears controlled enough to speak clearly and be understood, and he managed slightly. “It’s alright. Just. Can you leave Phil and me, please?”

Mae frowned and looked between the two of them. “Alright,” she agreed. 

Dan saw the kitchen door close again, and he assumed that Evan and Amber were giving him some privacy as well. Phil sat on the floor beside him, and Dan tried his best to take a deep breath.

“Back to your room?” Phil asked, glancing up at the kitchen door, and Dan wasn't sure if it was a request or a suggestion. 

He nodded and slowly got to his feet, still struggling to contain sobs and steady his breathing. Phil watched carefully as they walked down the hallway and stairs. He closed the door behind them when they entered Dan’s room.

Dan sat on the floor, and Phil sat criss-cross beside him. “‘R-remember the breathin’ we did on the phone?” Phil asked. From what Dan could tell, he was still regressed.

Dan nodded.

“Want me to do that again?” Phil asked.

Dan chuckled a bit through his tears. “No, no, it’s—” He sniffled. “I’ll manage. I just need a minute.”

Phil nodded, seemingly to himself, and Dan focused on his own breathing. Phil grabbed a pillow off the bed and held it against himself.

“You—” Dan sniffled. “You, um, you doing alright?”

“I don’ know,” Phil admitted. “I jus’ wanna hide,” he said softly, words a bit slurred.

“Hide?” Dan asked with a small chuckle.

“Mhm,” he hummed in agreement. “And never ever be touched by anyone I don’t want to,” he added, quieter.

Dan swallowed, mentally replaying the fight from earlier. Phil had probably gotten shoved around quite a bit. Dan had tried to take up most of their attention, but he was still essentially outnumbered, and he couldn’t stop them from touching Phil entirely. 

“Me too, honestly,” he agreed.

They sat in relative silence, Phil tracing patterns on the floor as he sat in thought. Dan focused on calming himself. He could have a breakdown in his own time. He didn’t want to upset Phil any further.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” Dan said. “I didn’t know that would happen.”

“It’s okay,” Phil said quietly. “You protected me.”

“I shouldn’t have put you in that situation, though.”

Dan looked over at Phil, who looked down and shrugged.

“I didn’t know he already had people working for him. God. I’m sorry you got caught up in this,” Dan breathed, head falling back against his bed as he sighed.

“I’m sorry that you did too,” Phil answered.

Dan smiled the tiniest bit. “Thanks, Phil.”

They sat quietly for another minute, and Dan’s mind began to clear of messy emotions. He reckoned that he would be left in peace for the rest of the day. One benefit to staving off breakdowns until he physically could no longer was that his friends were always caught off guard, earning him a break.

“How, uh, how are you?” Dan asked.

Phil looked down and shrugged. “I wanna go home,” he said softly.

Dan nodded. “Okay. Okay, d’you mind if I go with you?” He couldn’t let Phil go out alone after this morning. 

“Please,” Phil breathed.

~•~•~

They sat in silence on the way to Phil’s flat. Dan wanted to offer some form of consolation or comfort, but he didn’t have the faintest idea what to say. Phil waited for Dan to get out of the car before he did, and he looked around himself carefully as they hurried into the building. 

The door shut and locked behind them, Phil finally relaxed. He climbed onto his couch and carefully began to untie his shoes. Dan looked around. The flat was a mess again. The sink was full of unwashed dishes. Dan supposed Mae likely hadn’t been home much, considering how much he’d seen of her lately. She has stayed behind with Amber while Dan brought Phil home. He couldn’t say he wasn’t a little annoyed that she’d given him the task of looking after Phil. It wasn’t his responsibility, no, but how was he meant to turn Phil away? He didn’t want to turn Phil away. Maybe he should have.

“Dan?” Phil asked, kicking off his shoes onto the floor.

“Yeah?”

“Would you stay for a bit? Please?”

How was he meant to turn Phil away?

Phil didn’t ask for anything more than Dan’s company, even though Dan could tell he was regressed. Dan managed to get Phil a cup of water and put on an easy-going episode of Friends without making it seem as though he was doting. 

Dan hadn’t realized how badly he had needed to get away from things. Half-way through “The One After The Super Bowl” he realized, with a small start, that he was genuinely enjoying himself. Phil seemed to be as well, giggling to himself at the show.

They let Netflix auto-play episode after episode, and Phil made microwave popcorn for them both. Dan didn’t look at the clock, content to lose himself in 90s nostalgia.

Phil fell asleep after a bit, and Dan was glad when he did. He was exhausted himself, and so he leaned back and let his eyes fall closed as well.

~•~•~

When Dan opened his eyes again, the sun was lower in the sky. Phil was still asleep, now horizontal on the couch. Despite the voice begging him not to, he checked his phone.

_ hey, i’ll probably be back home kinda late tonight. are u still with phil? _ -MW

A text from Mae lit up his screen and he answered her quickly. So, she was leaving Phil home alone for the evening. Unless...Dan stayed until she got home. He felt bad leaving Phil on his own after this morning’s events had obviously frightened him. He supposed he would wait and see how Phil felt when he woke up. Discontent to sit with his thoughts, Dan made his way to the kitchen and turned on the tap to do dishes. 

~•~•~

Phil came slowly to, hearing a soft humming and vocalizing from somewhere nearby. He recognized the melody from somewhere. He listened carefully as the voice continued to hum. Was that...it was a Final Fantasy theme wasn’t it? No, it was from Final Fantasy VII. Interrupted by fireworks. Phil used to play it to fall asleep.

Phil blinked his eyes open. Dan stood in his kitchen, looking at his phone. Well, Phil assumed it was Dan. He didn’t look much more than a large blurry figure partially obscured by black fabric, but Phil couldn’t be bothered to reach for wherever his glasses went.

“Thas’ Final Fantasy,” Phil said, closing his eyes again.

The chuckle he received in reply was warm. “Dang. Impressive.”

“Used to play with my brother,” Phil said. “Really like that song.”

“Me too,” Dan said. “I learned bits of it on piano once. Are you still sleeping?”

“No,” Phil replied in a murmur and gave a yawn. 

“Clearly,” Dan teased. “Mae’s texted to let me know she won’t be home until late.”

Phil’s eyes snapped open and he looked to Dan. “Oh.” He sat up, looking for his glasses. “Are you, uh, a-a-are you…”

“I can leave if you want, or… I can hang out. I mean. I don’t have anywhere to be. Whatever you like.”

Phil found his glasses and slipped them on. He still didn’t feel particularly in control of himself, nor entirely grown-up. He looked at Dan, vision corrected, and noticed the empty sink behind him. For some absurd reason, emotion climbed Phil’s throat. “Did you do my dishes?” Phil asked quietly.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Told ya, mate, I’ve gotta keep practiced.”

“You’re so nice,” Phil mumbled.

Dan blushed, looking away. “Pshh,” he dismissed. 

“You are,” Phil said. He wasn’t in the headspace to properly articulate himself, but he needed to ask. “Dan...you a-and your friends. You don’t do bad things…?”

Dan sighed. “I mean….we do things that aren’t always  _ legal _ ,” he said. “Nothing we do ever really hurts anyone. Well, unless they're hurting one of us,” he said, wincing a bit at how it sounded. “I’m just...I’m just trying to help people stay safe and on their feet.”

“So kinda like Robin Hood,” Phil offered. He’d always liked the Disney film as a child. Dan’s kind yet witty and confident demeanor was vaguely reminiscent of the character.

Dan grinned at that. “Well, I don’t know about that. We’re not as much thieves as we are a, like, street gang.”

“Still,” Phil said decisively. “You’re like Robin Hood.”

“Am I?”

“Mhm,” Phil hummed in reply.

Dan shook his head, chuckling. “Whatever you say. Just don’t go around telling people that. We have an image to maintain, yeah?” he teased.

Phil rolled his eyes. “Okay,” he said quietly.

~•~•~

The next day back at Dan’s place, Ash slid an ink cartridge into his tattoo gun. He slid up Dan’s t-shirt sleeve, revealing the entire tattoo of a Joker playing card. He cleaned off the area and glanced at his sketch once more before unsheathing the needle and getting started. Phil winced when the gun hit Dan’s skin and Dan sent him a grin.

“It’s really not bad,” he assured, and Phil relaxed a bit. “Amber’s got one on her ribs, she said that one hurt like a bitch.” Phil winced in sympathy, glancing between Ash’s lineart and Dan’s arm where he’d begun to recreate it.

They’d decided the sooner they cover their old tattoos the better. They didn’t need to make it any easier for Jake to identify them as targets. Dan had cleared the design with Amber and Evan, and he’d be the first one to get it.

“This is safe?” Phil asked, watching curiously.

“I’ve been a tattoo artist for quite a few years now, mate,” Ash answered, not looking up.

“Oh,” Phil said and Dan chuckled. They were sat in Dan’s room, Phil having asked to tag along when Dan had to return home.

“Yeah,” Dan laughed. “No, I wasn’t just having some friend wing it on my arm with bloody fuckin permanent ink.” Dan made sure to speak with an obvious sarcasm, watching Phil.

Phil rolled his eyes, but he watched, entranced, as Ash worked. They sat in silence, Dan distracting himself with social media.

Phil looked down at the sketch Ash was working from. It was a lion’s face, large enough to cover the playing card tattoo that most of the gang had from their prior affiliation with Jake. 

Phil had recommended the lion. It had the positive associations of pride, courage, and loyalty with an intimidation level suited to a gang tattoo. Ash had spruced it up a little, and within half an hour, it was on Dan’s upper arm. He grinned, flexing his arm a bit.

“What do you think?” he asked.

“Perfect,” Phil answered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Notes (Emotional Spoilers)
> 
> \- Mae shouts at Dan for allowing Phil to be jumped, upset that he was put in danger. This triggers a breakdown for Dan, as it adds to his already complicated and overwhelming feelings.  
> \- Dan gets his tattoo covered


End file.
